


Start Of Time

by Wayward_Elle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blow Jobs, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Date, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Dad Castiel, Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Questioning Dean Winchester, Sassy Castiel, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28893837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wayward_Elle/pseuds/Wayward_Elle
Summary: They were on opposite ends of every damn spectrum. Dean lived for 70s rock, Cas was more into modern pop, Dean enjoyed old westerns, Cas; a damn romance over anything. The list goes on, lord knows it does. See, they were like water and oil. They didn’t fit well but then again, after a few tweaks and turns— they were a perfect fit.This is the story about how two people learned to find love and beauty within each other and within themselves. This is the story of Dean and Castiel.
Relationships: Anna Milton/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Mick Davies, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Dean and Castiel have been neighbours for almost six months now. The first time they met, Dean had gotten into an argument with Castiel’s son—he threw a rock through Dean’s window, yes the window was already shattered but Jack sure as hell didn’t make it any better. The argument was one of the most normal yet strangest Dean had ever had and he couldn’t elaborate on it even if his life depended on it. I guess it was because just a month from that, his normal was hunting monsters, talking about how to kill them and arguing with his brother about fighting tactics and weaponry— arguing with some sad divorced dad about his kid wrecking his suburban home was not in the slightest close to what Dean had been dealing with almost all his life, so to say it was strange is quite an understatement.

As you could imagine, their bond hadn’t really grown any stronger for some time, or in this case, at all. I guess if you could count biting each others heads off almost every time they see each other as a sort of relationship then, sure. but other than that, no bond, no nothing! There was no way Dean would be friends with a stuck up prick like Castiel, and if that wasn’t enough he was quite a snooze fest too, I mean, who knits sweaters for fun?

And as for Castiel, being flipped into an active volcano sounded better than being friends with such a foul mouthed and unhinged lumberjack who talks to his muscle car like it’s a real damn person.

They were on opposite ends of every damn spectrum. Dean lived for 70s rock, Cas was more into modern pop, Dean enjoyed old westerns, Cas; a damn romance over anything. The list goes on, lord knows it does. See, they were like water and oil. They didn’t fit well but then again, after a few tweaks and turns— they were a perfect fit.

This is the story about how two people learned to find love and beauty within each other and within themselves. This is the story of Dean and Castiel.

Chapter 1

January 05th and Dean had just gotten his window fixed, the new sheet so glossy and untouched that the rest of the windows in the house looked somewhat old and out of style. Dean just shrugged it off tough, the energy to put himself to unnecessary work, just not there. He was tired, and for the first time in a long time it wasn’t about his life and how he couldn’t carry on living it anymore. He was just exhausted fixing up his new home. From the leaky pipes in the main bathroom, to the ceiling, the lights, the snow outside, and the damn window he had to fix, Dean wasn’t sure he would even have time to do what he promised to do the day he decided to hang up his hat—nothing. He had been planning on doing nothing the whole day but never got as far as to do it, even his night was busy, Sam came over with Eileen, breaking the news about their engagement.

That was quite a lot to take in and he couldn’t digest it all, not without a glass of whiskey that is. It’s not that he isn’t happy for them because he is, he really is but he's slightly jealous of his little brother too. He's doing great with his life, he went back to finish his law degree, he got engaged to the woman of his dreams and he got an amazing job at some law firm in California. He has it good, and all Dean has is his house, his dog and car. Yeah, he said it was what he wanted, peace and quiet and— God! He can never finish that line. It’s what he wanted at first, it’s what he thought he wanted but turns out that peace and quiet can get quite lonely.

He was all alone and he was fine with it until he wasn’t, until he realised that ‘fuck, I really need someone to have a drink with' and ‘it’d be great to have someone to share my thoughts with' and then ‘I want someone to hold me while I sleep and kiss me when I wake'. He wanted to share himself with another person the same way he’d notice Sam do with Eileen. They’re a beautiful couple and while Dean loves what they have, he wants what they have, he’s envious and he isn’t afraid to admit it.

♧♧♧

January 06th, Dean finds himself at a bar, dressed in one of the best clothes in his closet, the ones that make him look slightly younger and more attractive. He's wearing a white fitted shirt, a denim jacket and a pair of black skinny jeans that shows off his thighs quite nicely. He’s on the prowl and god is he a nervous wreck about it. He never really had that problem before, maybe because he’d usually only want a woman to spend the night with, but now… he’s looking for something more, and part of him is afraid that he couldn’t get it, that he isn’t enough.

He lets out a sigh as he takes a seat by the bar, his willpower to not have more than two glasses of whiskey, gone. The night hadn’t gone the way he planned, in fact it went exactly the way he knew it would. He got nothing, nothing serious at least. All the women he approached seems to only want a slice of Dean to go and nothing more. It’s disappointing to say the least but what was he expecting trying to find a life partner in a bar on a Tuesday night.

“give me the strongest of whatever you have, please.” He doesn’t really make effort to look at the bartender, his mind too preoccupied with the tick-tocks of his time running out. He can't stop thinking about it for one moment and it's starting to get on every last nerve of his.

He sits and drinks alone for about 15 minutes, drowning in self pity, before the last person he expected to walk into a bar approaches him. Dean’s not sure if it’s the fact that he’s slightly intoxicated or what but Castiel looks amazing under the red and blue florescent lights, he's glowing, the light illuminating his features so perfectly that for a second he looks like something out of a movie.

“what the hell possessed you to come here?” Deans words slurs a bit, wobbly as they struggle to make it out of his mouth.

“I could ask you the same question. I always come here Tuesdays.” Castiel answers, his presence already acknowledged by another bartender, his eyes frequently darting over to the older man as he fixes his drink.

Dean doesn’t say anything. Unsure of how to carry a conversation with a man he dislikes but just found attractive two minutes ago. He’s still not sure why that happened, why he could think of Castiel of all people in such a way.

There’s silence between them but it doesn’t bother them because for the first time since they’ve met, they’re not arguing. And there’s the fact that they didn’t go to the bar together so there’s no sense of responsibility to keep the conversation going on either of their shoulders.

Castiel speaks to the young bartender who for the life of me cannot stop fumbling while he works, poor Mick fucked up at least three orders because of his little ‘crush'. Dean notices everything and it ticks him off because it was Dean’s drinks that he messed up, and it was Dean who had to drink a damn cosmopolitan instead of the bourbon he initially ordered. He could’ve complained, hell, he wanted to throw the damn glass at the guy but he didn’t want to be known as the new grunt of the neighbourhood.

“Mick’s got a real crush on you.” Dean speaks and catches Castiel so off-guard that he darts his eyes around to see who Dean is actually speaking to. There’s no one around, nearly not close enough to hear what Dean had to say.

“What do you mean?” Castiel frowns, his head inclining as he does so.

“He gave you like two free drinks, he hinted that he’s single and he can’t stop looking at you.” He says and as he speaks, Mick watches them from a safe distance, his heart boiling over with the jealously he has for Dean Winchester.

Castiel turns his head, ever so slightly, his eyes meeting the blue specked ones of Mick Davies. He stares for a moment and tries to understand what someone that utterly gorgeous would want with him—

“No.” he tears his gaze away from the young man, his eyes not meeting Dean’s as he fixes them on his folded hands on the counter.

“I get it. You don’t swing that way.” Dean says and takes another sip from his drink, the strong alcohol lighting a fire in the pit of his belly.

“I actually do.” He speaks after a beat. His voice tremulous and his words lacking the confidence he never thought he wouldn’t have when admitting something so fucking normal to a stranger. It could be the fact that part of him— the very tiniest part in him— actually likes something in Dean and he’s afraid that he wouldn’t accept him, or the fact that after all of these years of being afraid to live with freedom and pride, he’s still afraid, still cautious of bigoted people filled with irrational hate and anger. He still fears that.

“y-you’re gay?” Dean couldn’t have possibly asked that question in a more ‘what the fuck?’ way and if he could slam his face against a wall right now, he would.

“I mean, I’m not grossed out or… it’s just that I didn’t think—” he falters and stops himself before he says anything else that would make him look like a bigoted little fuck.

There’s a pang of regret in both Dean and Castiel’s guts and if they could rip that feeling out with their bare hands, they would.

“Right. I think I should leave now.” Castiel stands to his feet, his gut in his throat, the effects of the couple of beers he spent a whole hour sipping on, gone.

Dean wants to stop him, apologize for being an idiot but the idiot in him doesn’t let him. He watches as Castiel walks out, his shoulders heavier than what they looked when he entered the bar. He disappears behind a small crowd of people and before Dean knows it, he’s gone.

He sits alone once more, drowning in self-pity and now, hatred.

♧♧♧

January 10th. Dean had not seen Castiel since the bar incident and a part of him is grateful for that. A part of him believes that Castiel’s forgotten all about it and is by now so caught up in grading his students work that he couldn’t be bothered by Dean. Part of it is true, Castiel had been busy, his mind too preoccupied to think of his probably homophobic neighbour, but he hadn’t forgotten anything, though a big part of him wishes he could— that he could forget about Dean in the process too.

The impala is perfect and up to par but Dean is under it, trying to fix it— trying to keep his mind busy, to not think about what horse crap his life is, especially compared to his brother’s. He needs to do this, anything to forget about everything. Even Castiel, who for some reason can’t stay the hell out of Dean’s mind.

“alright, that ought to do the trick.” He slides out from under his car, his clothes and hands covered in motor oil. He gets up and his attention diverts for a moment when he spots Mick exiting Castiel’s house, the raven haired man following suit, his shoulders relaxed and his hair disheveled as he saunters, escorting the bartender to his car.

Their eyes meet for a moment and Castiel wishes that his fence was higher as he takes Dean’s expression however he wants it. He glares at him, the snide comments from Dean echoing in his head.

Dean doesn’t say anything, he just looks away, feeling like he deserved that look from Cas. He wanted to apologize right then and there but as you probably guessed, the words got tied up into knots in the roof of his mouth and he couldn’t even say so much as a ‘hi.’.

Dean tends to his not broken car again as he listens to the sound of Mick’s BMW roar to life. The sound fades within minutes and he takes that as cue to climb out of his car and march over to his neighbour’s house.

He knocks three times and steps back, swaying from heel to heel as he waits.

The cherry door creaks open just as Dean is about to knock again. His right fist hovers in the air as his eyes meets Castiel’s. They’re blue, beautiful and enticing, so much so that Dean almost forgets what he came here for.

“Did you come to hate crime me?” the voice snaps him out of his daze and he lets down his hand, letting it fall to his side as he registers Castiel’s accusatory words.

“Was what happened at the bar not enough for you, Dean?” Dean doesn’t answer. How could he when his neighbour hardly gives him any chance to breathe.

“man, I swear once you pulled up with that 80 year old muscle car that reeks of white supremacy and homophobia I should’ve known—”

“Dammit, Novak!” Dean interrupts. His tone, surprisingly, isn’t harsh though he wishes it could’ve been for Cas insulting him and his car like that, but he lets it go. It’s not worth the fight.

“I’m trying to apologize for what happened and you ain’t makin’ it easy for me.” He adds.

“Oh, right, of course. Why don’t I just hand you your apology in a silver platter and you can just hand it right back, yeah?” the sarcasm in his tone is laced with hurt and Dean can hear it.

“Cas, man. I’m really sorry. I had more than a few drinks in and you kinda took me by surprise there. I really didn’t mean to react the way I did and If I could take it back, I would.” He says, still swaying from heel to heel, unable to stop.

“You and I never see eye to eye, in fact we don’t fucking like each other but I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you, especially not in the way I’ve done. It was a poor reaction, trust me, I don’t care who you fuck and don’t fuck.” He’s always sucked at apologies but when Dean does apologize, he truly means it.

“I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear you blame the beer somewhere in that—”

“Come on. I’m not blaming it on alcoh— okay, look. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m sorry, okay.” He presses a hand against his chest, his brows raised with remorse.

Castiel waves him off, the pathetic pained look Dean is giving him like torture.

“It’s fine.” He says, his hand on his door, ready to close it and get some shut eye for a few hours before Kelly brings Jack home.

Dean nods lightly before shoving his cold hands back into his pockets and stepping off the porch. He turns back for a brief moment and finds Castiel still looking it at him, his expression nonchalant and unreadable.

“—just get the fuck out of my yard, Winchester.” And there he is, classic Cas.

Dean disappears and Castiel shuts his door before heading up to his room for a well deserved nap, the lack of sleep finally catching up to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

January 15th. Castiel can’t begin to comprehend what has just been said to him. It makes him feel sick and his heart can’t stop racing, it beats so hard that he could feel it slam against his ribcage. It’s Kelly and she called to tell him that she’s moving to Washington soon and she wants to take Jack with her. She believes that he’d have a better and less complicated life living with her. He’s in the first grade now and she can’t help but think about how he’ll grow up different in a sense and probably get bullied for it— I mean, how many kids in Kansas are growing up with openly gay dads?. She hates to say it, to make Castiel feel like he’s at fault or that there’s something wrong with him but she needed to voice her concerns, her son’s wellbeing being the most important thing on her list.

Castiel is tied between wanting to fight for Jack and letting him go. He wants nothing more than for Jack to not get treated like shit by his peers for having a damn gay dad, but he wants nothing more than to just be with his son and see him smile every day. He feels selfish for wanting to keep him around, despite all the reasons why he shouldn’t, but god knows that he can’t help it, after six years of mostly raising him alone, he feels entitled to being a selfish ass.

“Kelly, you can’t possibly think that I’d let you drag my son all the way to Washington.” He whisper yells into the receiver, the school hallway so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. He’s standing outside of his classroom, his eyes glued on his kids through the window of the wooden door— one in particular— Eliot Cosby who seems to contradict everything his teacher asked him to do. Castiel groans but lets it go, the matter not as important as the phone call he’s having with his baby mama.

“—our son, Castiel. He’s ours.” There’s a bitterness laced behind her tone but Castiel’s mind is too torn to try and decipher what it means— he honestly couldn’t care less at this moment.

“Our son who I have been mostly raising alone, Kelly. Look, I know you want to make up for lost times, and you’re afraid that he’d get hate crimed on my behalf, but you can’t do this, not to me— not to Jack.” He says, his eyes closing as he feels the tears threatening to spill. He shoves it down, biting his inner lip so hard until he feels the warm ooze of blood pool his mouth, the copper taste, pungent and distracting.

“look, I don’t mean to make you go through this, but you don’t have a choice. He’s coming with me, Cas. It’s for his own good.”

“And who’s gonna take care of him because the last time I checked your job was, is and always will be your number one priority.” He snaps and just as he’s about to say something else, something he’d probably regret, the bell goes off and he immediately hears shuffling and loud voices coming from the closed door of his classroom.

He cuts the call.

He swipes a hand over his face, frustration and anger boiling inside of him as he turns on his heels and enters his classroom. Everyone’s packed up and he dismisses them without even bothering asking if they’ve all written down their respective poems… he’ll deal with that tomorrow.

There’s silence once more and Castiel hates it, for the first time he wishes that his kids were still here, driving him nuts, screaming about this and that. He’d prefer that any day over this deafening silence.

♧♧♧

His days of doing nothing has finally come to an end, and lord was he excited. Today was Dean’s first day at work, and yeah it’s not as fancy as what Sam’s got going on but he’d lie if he said working as a mechanic wasn’t something that crossed his mind way more times than he could count. Dean loves cars, everything about them, so this is kind of a dream job, no matter how small it may seem from the outside.

The day wasn’t as busy as he’d have hoped but he was kept busy with a few oil changes, some alternator repairs and replacements, and his very chatty co-worker, Benny Lafitte. He’s a great guy but Dean wished he knew how to put a brake on his mouth like he did a car.

“Yeah, definitely.” Dean lies through his teeth, agreeing with Benny about hanging out together some time.  
He throws his duffel over his shoulder and watches as the clock on the wall just hit 7pm. He lets out a relieved sigh, his back feeling just as much relief as he walks out and over to his car.

He pulls out of the quiet parking lot and onto the clear stretch of road, the music playing softly over the sound of the roaring engine. The sky is dark, blue with hues of grey, the stars out but hardly visible under the fog of clouds. It looks beautiful though, and Dean almost feels tempted enough to pull over the side of the road and just stare. Gazing at the sky gives him peace, it always has, especially during his hopeless nights on the road when all he could do was look up and pretend that the world wasn’t falling apart from under him.

He decides against it as he meets the junction of mulberry road and St. Anne’s, turning right into St. Anne’s, soon finding a little restaurant to grab a quick bite at, too tired to go home and make something to eat for himself.

The place is warm and welcoming, soft tunes exuding from the walls over the chatter and laughter of the customers. Dean slides into one of the empty booths, the red leather cool and uncomfortable under him. He ignores it, or at least tries to as a waitress approaches him, her cherry hair bouncing as she speaks. She’s quite beautiful, her skin smooth and clear and her smile as bright as the sun. Dean squints his eyes and reads her name off the name tag attached to her red and blue vest.

“Anna, what a pretty name.” he says, taking the menu from her. She smiles, blushes actually, and places a strand of her hair behind her ear. She looks as if she’s in her late 20s, 27 or 28 maybe, her face still fresh, and her body—

“I’ll be right back to pick up your order, sir.” She excuses herself politely, interfering with Dean’s very sexual thoughts. He coughs, clearing his throat and goes through the menu in silence.

“Mr Winchester!” a tiny shriek comes from across the room and Dean looks around for a moment before spotting the little rascal it belongs to. It’s Jack and he’s heading Dean’s way.

Dean sinks in his seat, his appetite almost gone as Jack raises a hand and waves at him fervently, his smile so wide, stretching from ear to ear.

“Hello!” he greets and if this kid wasn’t as adorable as he is, Dean would’ve flung himself into the sun. Jack’s wearing a warm smile, his two front teeth separated slightly by a tiny gap. He’s dressed in a warm and furry onesie and a home knitted beanie that looks way too big for him.

Castiel walks up to him and stands behind his son, his face contorted with so much annoyance that Dean finds it slightly amusing.

“And what do I owe the pleasure of meeting you here, little man?” Dean questions, his body turned to face Jack, his brows raised to look like he’s interested in every little thing the kid says.

“I still feel bad for breaking your window so I want to give you this—” he lightly shoves a teddy bear with the words ‘I’m beary cute’ etched on it in dean’s direction, urging for him to take it. It looks a little old, the colour worn out and tough stains around its ears and limbs.

Dean hesitates, his eyes drifting up to meet Castiel’s gaze. Castiel doesn’t say anything as he just lightly shrugs at Dean from behind Jack. Dean takes the bear, his rough skin tracing over the soft fur of the little toy. He looks at it for a moment and soon looks back at Jack, the kid’s eyes big and hopeful, praying that Dean likes the gift.

“His name is stuffy, but you can name him whatever you want.” The kid speaks and Dean’s lips pull into a small smile, it’s pure and it makes the corners of his eyes wrinkle.

“Nah, Stuffy's a great name.” Dean wiggles the bear and Jack’s smile widens as he does so.

“thanks for the gift, kiddo.” He adds and places the furry little thing on the table.

“Okay, come on. Let’s find us a table.” Castiel says to Jack and tries to lead him as far away as possible, the mood to deal with Dean any further, just not there.

“You can sit here. There’s plenty'a space.” Dean speaks and a big part of him wants to know ‘why the fuck would you invite them to sit with you?’ He doesn’t quite know, perhaps it’s to make up for what happened at the bar or to just have someone to eat a meal with. He sure as hell can’t tell.

Castiel lifts a brow in question and suspicion. He wants to decline but Jack is already in the booth, seated across Dean, his smile so wide that it looks painful.

“Okay, then.” Castiel says just loud enough for himself to hear as he slides into the booth to sit beside his six-year-old son.

There’s a bit of tension between them and it’s multiplied by their silence. Jack does all the talking and Dean listens, his eyes wide and open with fake anticipation.

The waitress comes around again, her brows furrowing in question when she notices Cas and Jack accompanying Dean. It should look like two people, friends perhaps, having dinner together but they live in a small town and word goes around faster than lightening, everyone knows that Castiel is gay, some more open to it than others, so when they see him dining with another man they can’t help but let their minds go to work.

“spaghetti bolognaise and a cold beer on the side.” Dean says and gives her a tight-lipped smile.

“I’ll have the garlic butter steak and potatoes, and a bottle of chardonnay.” Castiel says and Dean gives him a look but loses it before Cas could notice.

“—and mac and cheese for the little one.” He adds and Anna nods before walking off with their menus in her hands.

“drinkin' on a school night?” Dean raises a brow and loses it just as fast when he notices the other man's shoulders fall, a sort of pained look on his face.

“I’ve had—” he looks at Jack, his words tying into knots in his throat. God, he feels two seconds away from crying.

“—a long day.” He forces a smile as he looks back at Dean.

“seems like it’s more than just a long day that’s got your panties in a bunch.” Dean speaks and looks over to Jack who’s too focused on the scenery outside to care about the grown-up conversation happening just beside him.

“As if you care.” Castiel rolls his eyes and Dean gives him a shrug.

“I don’t. Just curious. So you gonna tell me?” Cas turns to look at Jack and back at Dean, not sure where to begin and how to execute it without letting Jack know that it’s about him.

“Someone’s mother is moving… far away, and they want to take their son with.” He says vague enough for a 6-year-old not to understand that it’s about them if they happen to overhear.

“they’re afraid that the lifestyle the father is living will make things hard for the child at some point.” His eyes glows, the tears ready to just flow, but he holds onto whatever little pride he has left and keeps them at bay, swearing that he’s not going to cry, especially not in front of his son and Dean.

Dean nods as he takes it all in, his eyes frowning in pity.

“That sucks.” He doesn’t know what to say so he just says anything.

“wow, thanks for notifying me, I haven’t noticed.” Castiel snaps, his words sarcastic but laced in anger.

Dean doesn’t say anything and before they know it their food arrives.

They eat in silence for a while until Dean speaks again.

“What are you gonna do?” he questions, his eyes on the other man’s, they’re beautiful under the soft lighting in the restaurant but Dean can’t miss how sad they look, glistening like a river of tears is about to burst through.

“I don’t know. I feel like there’s nothing I can do.” He sets down his fork and knife and gulps down the last bit of alcohol left in his wine glass.

“That’s bullshit, you know that, right?” Dean says seriously and Castiel doesn’t know how to reply, feeling hopeless and lost.

“Man, he’s your son, you gotta fight for him even if you think you’re gonna lose the battle. Don’t give up so easily. I swear, it’s exactly what she wants. Now, I don’t know anything about you or her or any of you actually but what I do know is that you’re a damn good father to that kid, and your ‘lifestyle’ doesn’t change any of that.” He adds and takes a sip of his beer.

He hates to admit it, but Dean is right. He needs to fight for Jack, even if it means losing the friendship he has with Kelly.

“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” He says simply, a ghost of a smile appearing on his face.

They finish up soon after that and by the time they’re done finishing the bottle of wine Castiel regretted buying, Jack had fallen asleep and needed to be carried out of the restaurant and over to the car.

Dean makes sure he’s covered properly in the back seat after laying him down and placing his teddy bear beside him. He closes the door and walks over to the driver’s side of the car, Castiel already buckled up.

“You sure you okay to drive?” Dean questions, his freezing hands stuffed in his pockets.

He nods, too tired to talk. There’s a spark of concern laced on Dean’s expression and he’s torn between letting the man go and driving him home instead.

“how about I drive you home?” he caves, swaying from heel to heel in the cold.

“and just a moment ago you thought I was a responsible dad.” Cas raises a brow and turns his head to face Dean.

“You are, okay. I just wanna make sure you don’t—” Castiel throws him a glare.

“Okay, how about you drive real slow and I’ll be right behind you with my car? Okay, good.” He doesn’t wait for an answer as he slaps Cas on the shoulder and head to his car right after.

Castiel complies, not that he needed to because he’s totally fine, but he does it for Dean’s sake.

They reach home about 30 minutes later and Dean pulls into his driveway before heading next door to bid Cas a goodnight—and to really make sure that he’s fine— before heading over to his other neighbours, an elderly couple who promised to look after Miracle while he was at work.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

January 17th. It’s been two days since Cas had spoken to Kelly, he called her in the middle of the night after his dinner date with Dean, drunk and upset, his voice so thickly laced with emotion that at some point he just had to let go of his pride and burst into tears. He sobbed as he begged her not to take his only joy away from him, the thought of that scarring his already broken soul. It hurt, every second of that phone call hurt something awful in Kelly, something she wasn’t even sure could hurt like that. She was left with two choices at the end; to give Cas a chance and listen to what he has to say or to be the heartless monster to tear away her kid from his father out of deep rooted anger and spite. 

He was falling apart, Jack right there to see it all. He tried everything to hide it from the kid but there was only so much he could do before Jack could see the hurt, the hurt that he doesn’t quite understand yet. Cas had no other choice than to tell him, hoping that if things don’t go as planned, it’d prepare him for the future. There was a lot of tears and screaming from Jack, his heart broken at the thought of his mother wanting to take him away from his dad. He loved Kelly but, like all kids, he had his favorite parent, and his was Castiel, the one he remembers doing almost everything with. It broke Castiel’s heart to see his son like that. It was only two days, but it felt like an eternity. 

He sits at the edge of his seat, his whole body rattling as he waits for the bell to go off. He doesn’t know how all of this will play out, he doubts that it’ll work out in his favor, remembering what an adamant woman Kelly Kline is. A fight against Kelly is like a fight against God himself. You’ll never win. 

Jack is in his room, unwillingly, at the orders of his father who seemed too agitated for any compromises.

The bell goes off and the door swings open not even a second after that. Castiel’s body jerks forward and before he knows it, he’s on his feet dragging himself to where Kelly is. 

They both stay silent as she takes off her coat and scarf to feel more comfortable. “Castiel.” She acknowledges him very stiff and formally. He gives her a tight-lipped smile, his mouth unable to form any words. She follows him to the living room and takes a seat on the couch a few feet away from him, not wanting to get too close.

“Kelly, why are you doing this? I know you don’t care about me being gay and I certainly know that that’s not the reason why you want Jack to stay with you.” He begins, refusing to beat around the bush. He needs to get this over and done with, pronto. The sooner they do, the faster they could all move past it all. 

“He’s my son and I want him to live with me. You’ve had six years with him, I think I deserve my time with him as well.” She says and her words visibly frustrates Cas. He runs his hands through his hair, tugging at them for a moment before letting go. He knows she’s lying, but he doesn’t know why and it’s killing him. 

“why? We had a good thing going here and you just want to fuck it up because you feel like you have the fucking right to?” He snaps, his nostrils flaring as he heaves in anger. She’s not phased by it and he’s not expecting her to be, no matter how angry he could get at her, he’d never act on it. 

“way to make me sound like a selfish bastard. Need I remind you that I’m not the one who tore this family apart. You tore us apart Cas and now I’m just supposed to continue looking in from the outside.” her voice is shaky, and her eyes are starting to glow, the tears a second away from falling. 

“what are you talking about? I’ve done nothing but try. You’re the one who left, Kelly. You’re the one who ran out on us.” His words come out soft and breathy. The memories flooding back to both of them.

They were dating for three years before they had Jack. Kelly was in love and happy and she couldn’t have wanted her life to turn out any other way. Castiel, on the other hand, was living a lie that ate him up every single night. At some point of their relationship, he couldn’t keep it a secret anymore, he broke the news to her not knowing that they were expecting their first child together in seven months. They did a lot of crying that night and they spoke about it for hours, trying their best to come to some agreement. The agreement didn’t happen though, it was just too much for Kelly, between her fearing childbirth, not being ready for a child and the love of her life turning out to be gay, it was all too much to take in.

They drifted apart but Cas swore never to leave her side, he was there from the beginning to the end, trying his best to keep her, and the family they’ve built, in one piece. It was stuck together by duct tape and at some point, it became too weak to even keep Kelly in strap. She broke and she ran, leaving Cas to deal with their 8-month-old son. She was gone for a few months and when she returned, she couldn’t stay. It went on for six years. 

“we can fix this; we can make it work.” Castiel pleads, the tears falling down his cheeks as he inches forward, his eyes begging for hers to look at them. 

She lets out a muffled cry, her hand to her mouth. Her eyes are glued to the ground, refusing to meet Castiel’s. she’s not strong enough to. 

“I can’t.” She manages to speak after a beat. She takes a deep breath before mustering up the courage to look at him. her eyes are bloodshot and so are Castiel’s, they’re still glistening, the tears refusing to stop flowing.

“why not?” Kelly doesn’t answer him, and he stands, his feet dragging him across the room so they could be a little closer. He takes a seat on the coffee table from right across her and takes her soft and cold hands in his own.

“Why not?” he repeats.

“because I hate you and I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I hate you and I hate myself for even thinking it. I can’t be near you because no matter how hard I try to; I’ll never hate you as much as I love you.” She admits. She feels vulnerable and naked under his gaze and if she could, she’d disappear. 

Castiel stays quiet. He doesn’t know what to say to her, he could think of a few things but not anything that would make her feel any better. His heart aches as he sits silently from across her, her dainty hands in his, overcome by nerves as it shakes. 

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you, I told you the truth because I loved you and cared for you too much to continue lying to you. I know that I can’t ever fix what I broke, and I can’t give back what I’ve taken from you, but I can try. I want to try for Jack’s sake, and for ours.” He says as his right thumb rubs circles into her skin, calming her down.

“it’s not the same.” 

“no, but it’s what we’ve got. Look, you can try it your way. Take Jack to Washington for a few weeks, see how it goes and if it doesn’t make you feel better, you know where to find me.” He says, screwing his eyes shut, his heart and every single fiber in his body begging for him not to do it. 

“and what if it does make me feel better?” she questions. She knows it won’t, they both know it, but she asks anyways.

“we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” He lets go of her hands and stand to his feet; his heart wearier than what it was just a few moments ago. He’s tired and all he wants to do on this Saturday evening is open a bottle of whiskey and pour himself a glass or two, maybe he’ll forget about everything even if it’s just for a moment.

There’s tension between them, one so thick that you could cut through it with a butter knife. They don’t know how to fix it, and in all honesty, Kelly’s not sure if she wants to, the bitterness she had been holding onto for so long, festering slowly but surely. 

She leaves soon after greeting Jack, kissing him on the cheek and lying to him about everything being fine.

♧♧♧

Dean and Benny had been getting along quite well over the past two days, turns out that they’ve got a lot more in common than expected so it was no surprise when they decided to hang out after work and grab a few drinks together.

They’re in the same bar Dean had found himself in last Tuesday night, it’s lively, loud and there’s about a dozen women he wants to take home tonight. He hasn’t been laid in almost two months and while that’s no record for Dean, it does, however, feel like an eternity.

His eyes never stop moving as he watches the women, and accidentally, some of the men. He feels his gut tie into multiple knots when he catches himself, the heat rising from the back of his neck and over to his cheeks as he tears his eyes away, praying that no one saw him. 

“Now, remind me again why you don’t have a partner?” Benny comes up from behind him, two glasses of whiskey in his hands. He places them on the table and takes his seat from across Dean, his face red and his eyes glossy. 

“Too much work.” Dean shrugs and takes the glass in his hands, lifting it up to his nose, the pungent smell of the dark alcohol filling his senses. He takes a sip and places the glass back down before continuing with his search.

“I know you don’t mean that.” Benny speculates after a beat. Dean doesn’t say anything, the feeling of his walls being brought down by this man, uncomfortable. 

“Let’s just drink in peace, okay?” He mutters, his voice deep and gravelly. 

There’s so much that Benny wants to ask, that he wants to know about Dean. He’s known him for only two days, but it feels like he doesn’t know him at all, not the real him at least. Dean's a mystery to him, every word he utters like a riddle or a piece of a very complicated puzzle. He wants to dig deep into the man’s brain and find out what makes him tick but he stops himself before he could even try, something telling him that Dean wouldn’t take it too well.

They sit and drink in peaceful silence until Dean spots Anna from across the room, her Auburn hair flowing freely as she sways to the music booming from the speakers.

“Do you know her?” Dean questions, his eyes still glued on the young woman, watching her like a hawk.

Benny follows Dean’s gaze over to Anna and he lets out an unintentional laugh, his hand muffling the sound just as fast as it came out.

Dean raises his brows and averts his attention to his ‘friend’. “what’s so funny?” he asks, his tone serious as he stares.

“Nothing, mate. It’s just… she’s like a decade younger than you, don’t you think she’s a bit out of your league?” His words sound worse out loud than what it did in his head, and he wishes he could take them back, the expression on Dean’s face cold as ice.

He hums, his index finger tapping against the wooden table as he tries to register Benny’s words. He might be right, Dean is probably way in over his head for thinking that a woman like Anna Milton would fall for him but there’s no way in hell that he’d let Benny know, in fact he wants nothing but to prove the fucker wrong. 

“just because you couldn’t get it, doesn’t mean I can’t.” He says, gulps down the rest of his whiskey and gives Benny a wink before pushing his chair back and standing to his feet.

His head is buzzing and his heart pacing, the adrenaline rushing through his veins like a drug. He approaches Anna, his demeanor suave. She notices him right away, I mean it’s hard not to when he looks the way he does, Yeah he’s ‘old’ but there’s no denying that Dean Winchester is one gorgeous son of a bitch.

“Now, what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?” she turns at his words, meeting his sparkling green eyes. Her lips are pulled into a smile, one that she can’t even manage to suppress. 

“cheesy, but I’ll let it slide.” She inches forward, the space between them barely there. 

“You’re right, how about I make up for it.” 

Benny watches the scene unfold from where he’s seated, the way Anna looks at Dean making him feel like a complete idiot for even thinking that Dean wouldn’t be successful in getting into her pants. They go on talking for a few minutes before Dean walks back to Benny, grabbing his leather jacket hanging on his chair.

“looks like I’m gonna have to break up the party a little earlier than expected, pal.” Dean says as he puts on his jacket, the material cool against his skin. 

“go get ‘em tiger. I should head home anyways; I’ve already got three missed calls from my wife.” Benny stands to his feet, grabbing his own jacket from his chair and putting it on. 

“Couldn’t be me.” He scoffs and pats Benny on the back before biding him a goodnight and heading out with Anna by his side.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

January 22nd. Two days until Dean’s 42nd birthday and if he could turn back time, slow it down or stop it all together, he would. He never thought he’d fear getting old but then again, he never thought he’d have the privilege to. He could hardly sleep for the past few days, something other than his frequent night terrors keeping him at the edge of his seat. The thought of time catching up to him scares him and he suspects that if he were genuinely happy, he’d feel different about this whole situation. He thought that defeating Chuck and his hold on their lives was enough to make him happy but turns out it’s not, it turns out that Dean Winchester wants something more, something he can’t even begin to express the meaning of. He feels like a kid, thrown into the world without any guidance or shelter— he feels completely lost and alone and it’s slowly eating away at him.

He’s going to die alone but worst of all, he’s going to grow old alone. Sure, he’s got Anna right now, but he doubts that their relationship will last, let alone turn into something deeper— not that he want’s that to happen, but even if he did, there’s no way he’d let it happen. There’s a big part of himself that wouldn’t allow it, the part that fears that if he lets people in, and I mean truly let them in, they would run for the hills and inevitably leave him like everyone else he’s ever grown to know. The thought of that scares him so he’d rather be alone and unhappy than take that dive and crack his skull open or hopefully find everything that he’s been looking for. 

The early sunlight peaks through the windows of Dean’s bedroom, the light luminous and warm, highlighting every curve of his face and every tan freckle scattered across it. He looks beautiful and peaceful, his dark eyelashes fluttering against his cheek as the soft vibrations of his snores escapes through his mouth. 

Anna watches him in silence and admiration. Her right arm is wrapped around his waist, her tiny body pressed against the side of his bare chest. She lifts and falls as he breathes from under her, his breathing constant. 

She traces her fingers over his chest, feeling his muscles flex from under her touch. Her lips pull into a small smile as she continues, she trails her long fingers around the devil’s trap tattoo on his right breast, around his taut nipple and all the way down to the waistband of his boxers. She stops and looks up at him. His eyes flutter rapidly before opening, they’re red and tired, but they still look beautiful. 

“good morning.” Anna whispers, her cheeks tinted with a blush of pink, and her fingers trailing back up and down the older man’s chest. She just can’t get enough of Dean, he’s like a drug to her, but better.

“Hey.” He growls from under her, his eyes meeting hers only for a brief moment before they find something else to look at. 

There’s a brief silence and for a moment Anna thinks that Dean had fallen back to sleep. He hasn’t, he’s just laying there with his eyes closed, unsure of what to do. She’s never slept over before and he sure as hell didn’t expect her to so now he doesn’t know if she’s expecting something more from him, something he clearly cannot give to her. The thought scares him and if he could stop himself from thinking about it, he would.

He desperately needs this to stay simple, he needs their relationship to remain the same. 

“You know—” Anna breaks the silence, sensing that the man’s not asleep. She presses her palm against his chest, the scars across it feeling like a work of art. She traces her fingers over them, gently and slowly as she meets his eyes.

“—I was thinking that we should go somewhere this weekend, it’ll be fun. I mean, Steven's creek can get quite boring after a while.” She adds and Dean feels like crawling under a rock. 

“Anna—” his face contorts, and it almost looks like he’s in pain. He doesn’t look at her, rejecting her already sucks, he doesn’t need to see her reaction. 

“—look, I just. I don’t wanna complicate what we’ve got going on. I like it this way.” He says honestly, he knows he sounds like a dick right now but there’s not much he can do to change that, the words are already out there.

“You’re great and all but—”

Anna's body stiffens and all she wants to do is disappear, the humiliation is killing her but part of her believes that she deserves it for being such an idiot. I mean, did she really expect a damn man to want her for anything beyond her body? Yeah, and that’s the problem. She let her guard down, she was stupid and now she got burnt. 

“—you just want me for sex. Noted.” She pulls the soft sheets off her, exposing her half naked body. She sits on the edge of the bed for a while, trying to muster up the courage to stand up. 

“it’s not that—” yes, it is. He can’t even come up with an excuse as he sits up, watching her stand to her feet and pick up her clothes from off the floor. 

“you know, I wouldn’t have made a complete fool of myself if you'd have been honest from the start you fucking asshole.” She interjects and walks out of his room with her clothes in her hands.

Dean listens to her footsteps thud in the hall, the sound disappearing as time ticks. He wants to go after her, but there’s nothing for him there, nothing he really wants. He lets her go and soon hears the roar of her car’s engine in his driveway as he sinks his back into the comfort of his bed, his eyes on the white ceiling above him. 

“Fuck.” 

♧♧♧

The day has been long and cold and even though he had Benny to keep him company, Dean still couldn’t stop thinking about hurting Anna. She was right, if he were honest from the start, there would never have been any complications. He could’ve told the truth but pretending that his relationship with Anna was more than what it meant to him was just easier. He loved the attention, the feelings and the promise of hope it gave him, but he feared the reality of himself having to give back and let down that steel wall he keeps around his heart. 

It’s six-fifteen and he just clocked off work, his body tired and sweaty as he slouches over to his car. There’s a cool breeze outside and it engulfs his entire body, the air fresh and rejuvenating. He takes it in, closes his eyes and drops his head back and feels as the wind crashes against his face. 

“Dean.” The voice coming from behind him breaks his train of thought and he looks to his right shoulder, noticing a large hand latched onto it. 

He spins around and meets Benny's crystal blue eyes, they’re big and round and they seem to sparkle under the diming light.

“You forgot your phone, mate.” He pushes the device in Dean’s direction. Dean takes it and shoves it in his pocket, he gives him a tight-lipped smile and contemplates whether or not to just walk away, not in the mood to talk.

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been off the whole day.” Benny questions and looks into his eyes, trying his best to get some sort of answers out of them— there’s none.

“Just stressed.” He admits briefly. It’s enough to let Benny know that, yeah, he’s not doing great, but also not nearly enough to answer the plethora of questions Benny has stuffed up at the roof of his mouth.

“Yeah, I kinda figured. You gonna tell me why?” he presses, closing the large gap between them. He puts his hands on his hips and waits for Dean to speak.

“No. I don’t wanna talk about it.” He shrugs his shoulders, his fingers fiddling with keys in his hands. He wants to talk about it, but he wants to be pushed— shoved over the damn edge, actually. 

Benny doesn’t do it through; he couldn’t possibly know it’s what Dean wants when he’s the personification of a damn quantum physics equation. Benny can’t seem to understand him and the more he struggles, the harder he wants to fight, but he never does. 

“Look, it’s just… I ain’t really a chic flick type of guy but give me a few beers and maybe I’ll sing like a canary.” He adds and there’s a tiny trace of humour in his tone which he loses just as fast as it came.

Benny stays silent, not really knowing what to say to Dean that won’t make him want to run back into his bubble again.

“man, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t wanna talk, not right now anyways.” He opens his car door, the hinges creaking and squeaking as he does so. 

“I’m not trying to force you to open up, buddy. I’m just trying to be here for you. Y'know, it’s what friends do.” Benny shakes his head, a ghost of a smile drawn across his face. 

Dean smiles at his words and he wishes he weren’t such a dick because Benny’s a great guy, his kindness and burning need to help people reminds him so much of Sammy. He deserves nothing but the same kindness in return, but Dean’s not sure how to give it to him, or if he could.

He reaches an open palmed hand out for Benny to take, and when he does, Dean pulls him close, wrapping his free arm around the man. He pulls back a few seconds later— three, to be exact, and his heart races as he feels the wall around his heart slowly starting to unravel. 

♧♧♧

Dean ends up at home an hour later. He picks up miracle at the Forrester’s and walks her home. There’s a car parked outside Castiel’s yard, the boot is open and there’s two boxes stacked up in there with a few items he can’t make out. He frowns and wonders if he’s moving out for a while or if someone’s moving in. He squints and notices Jack’s name etched on the boxes and when he looks closely, he sees the bear Jack had given him amongst other stuffed animals crammed in the boot as well. 

He suspects that it’s Kelly’s car and that she won the fight. His heart aches for Castiel, imagining that losing a child must hurt like a bitch.

He doesn’t lose his frown when his attention diverts to the white painted house. The door is open and Castiel walks out with another box. He spots Dean before he could run and pretend like he didn’t see anything. He doesn’t say as much as a hello to the man as he keeps his eyes glued on him, partially glad to see his face after a long while.

“She’s taking him?” Dean's words come out soft, his tone laced in concern as the other man nears him with a box of toys in his hands. 

“Cas, I’m so sorry.” He adds and Castiel responds with a sad smile.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s only for a few weeks— three at best.” He assures him but there’s hurt laced all over his words and no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that ‘it’s fine' and ‘it’s only a few weeks.' He can’t help but want to fall apart. He’s never been away from Jack for so long, he’s not sure how he’ll make it two days into this dumbass agreement. 

“but that doesn’t mean that you’re fine. It still hurts.” He suspects and Cas nods, lightly before looking back at his house where Kelly is helping Jack get ready. 

“—but like you said, it’s just three weeks so you’ll be fine.” He interjections so fast almost as if he desperately wants him to forget about the sad parts.

“Three weeks away from my son. He’s never been away for that long and I’m not sure if I can handle it. I don’t think he can handle it either.” He places the box down beside him and leans back against the car, the ice-cold structure stinging through the layers of his clothes, he ignores the pain though as he carries on wrecking his brain about all of this.

Dean follows suit, figuring that Cas really needs someone to talk to. He lets miracle off her leash and stands a few inches away from Cas, feeling the heat radiate off of him.

“I don’t want him to go, but Kelly really needs this.” He carries on speaking as they both find themselves starring up at the blackened sky above them. Dean stays silent, giving room for Castiel to say as much as he’d like.

“and I guess that it’s better than having him move permanently, but then again, what if she decides to fucking keep him there?” He's grown frustrated thinking about all of this for so long. He runs a hand down his face and Dean watches, he notices how tired and stressed he looks; dark circles around his eyes and his skin looking paler than ever. Dean has never seen him look this messed up and even though he claims not to be, he’s worried about the guy. He might be a prick, but he doesn’t deserve to go through this crap.

“You gotta stop stressing so much about it, it’s not gonna do you any good. I get that it’s hard not to, and that it feels like you’re losing this battle but you’re not and you gotta stop convincing yourself that you are.” He says, his gaze on Castiel who’s looking down at his feet, watching the tips wave from left to right. 

“Dean, I don’t know what to do.” Cas isn’t sure where he found the strength and courage to open up to Dean in the first place, it’s quite unsettling but he doesn’t stop, god knows that he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. The man has been helpful in the past and he proves to be doing the same right now. It makes speaking to him for the first time in days feel like a breath of fresh air.

“Hey—” he moves closer and playfully shoves Cas with his arm. “—quit pouting. You’ll figure this out, and if you can’t do it alone, I’m… y'know.” He doesn’t really say it, but Cas understands what he meant. His pale cheeks are tinted with red and he looks down to hide it from Dean.

“It’s crazy how much you’ve helped me. What are you? An angel?” Castiel looks back up at him after a beat and Dean can feel heat rising from the back of his neck to his freckled cheeks. 

“I’m just a man.” He swallows, feeling his throat dry instantly while his heart slams violently against his ribcage.

Their eyes stay locked for what feels like an eternity, and it almost feels like they’re trying to see into each other’s souls.

“You, uhm—” Dean falters when he catches himself staring at the man long enough to brand it as creepy. He looks down, clears his throat and shoves down the pejorative words that he’s heard from John one too many times, and locks them behind the door in the back of his brain. His jaw twitches and his fists clenches beside him as he briefly shuts his eyes, to regain his composure.

Castiel notices but he stays quiet, patiently waiting for Dean to get sentence across. 

“—you wanna, maybe, come over Saturday night? I’m having this little birthday dinner and it’d be great if someone other than a colleague and my brother would show up. It’ll also be a great distraction for you.” 

Kelly exits the house with Jack before Cas could answer, and it feels like a raw wound has been ripped open. The sight of Cas and a man who may or may not be his lover stings and for a moment she feels like retaliating— moving Jack away permanently— but after the talks they’ve had, it would be reaching for a new low. 

“Mr Winchester!” Jack runs out from under her grasp to greet Dean. His smile is wider than Castiel had seen in a while. 

“Hey kid.” He crouches down and is caught by surprise. Jack hugs him, his eagerness almost letting Dean lose his balance. He hugs him back and lets the kid linger for as long as he wants. Dean had always been a natural with kids, so it’s not really a shocker that Jack is so fond of him.

“I heard you’re going on an awesome vacation. Washington is it?” he smiles and Jack’s not sure if he should be sad or curious as to why going all the way to Washington is ‘awesome'. 

“Have you ever been there? ‘Cause I have and it’s a beautiful place.” He adds and Jack looks up at his dad before looking back at Dean. 

“I like Kansas though.” He says sadly. 

“I know, me too, but I also love Washington. You can love them both, it’s okay.” Dean tells him before ruffing his hair and standing up to meet a very unimpressed Kelly Kline.

“Kelly, this is Dean, he’s my neighbour. Dean, Kelly.” Cas introduces them and she gives the green-eyed man a tight-lipped smile. 

Dean greets her as politely as he possibly can before excusing himself, not wanting to get in between the Novak family drama. 

“don’t forget to rsvp. I don’t wanna have my hopes up just for you to bail on me.” He pats Castiel on the shoulder, ignoring the lightning it sparked under his skin. He walks away and disappears into his yard. 

“Is he—” she can’t even finish the sentence without shuddering. 

Cas responds with an eye roll as he pushes himself off the car to load the last box.

“Not every man I talk to is my boyfriend, Kelly.” He shuts the boot and takes a deep breath before walking over to Jack. 

“Dean— Mr. Winchester is right, you’re gonna love Washington. I want you to enjoy yourself and when you’re back you can tell me about all of your wonderful adventures.” Cas smiles as best as he could, pushing his tears back so far and so hard that it’s beginning to hurt.

“I love you, kiddo.” His voice fails him, it comes out broken and shaky. He pulls Jack in for a long hug and plants a kiss on his forehead. 

“Why don’t you come with us, dad? You’ll love it too.” jack frowns and tries not to cry but his tears are already flowing. It hurts Kelly to see her son so broken, so bad that she nearly considers letting him stay.

“Hey, hey. Don’t cry. I know it’s going to be difficult not being here for a while, but you’ll be okay.” He stands and looks to Kelly. He wants to hate her right now, he wishes he could, but there’s no way he can, he doesn’t even know where to begin.

“call me if anything happens, I don’t care whether it’s three in the fucking morning or whatever, just let me know!” He clenches his jaw, bites against his skin, hoping the pain would distract him.

“Yeah, I know. We’ll be fine… he’ll be fine.” They exchange looks, it’s a bit awkward but there’s a big cloud of sadness lingering above them that for a second, that awkwardness, the tension and their bickering has been set behind them. She pulls him in for a hug and feels as his body shakes against hers, she ignores it and plants a kiss on his cheek.

“Goodbye, Castiel.”


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

January 24th. It’s Dean’s birthday and even though he’s not very keen on getting older, he’s quite excited to spend the evening with his friends and family. He hasn’t seen them in what feels like forever, the last time he did, things were phenomenally different— they were hunters, trying to stop the most powerful celestial being known to men from nuking the world.   
It’s crazy how far they’ve come… to Dean at least, after all he was the one who thought he’d go down swinging and would never get to see the day he turns 42. This feels like a new beginning to him, a clean slate, to start and live his life the way he wants to, no strings and doohickeys pulling him and manipulating every step he takes. It’s exhilarating, but it’s also tougher than he thought it would be, the responsibility to keep his life in one piece feeling like a heavy weight on his shoulders. It’s scary to think that whatever mistakes he makes now are all on his hands and no one else’s… he’s already feeling the impact of it all, with Anna and how he could’ve had something with her if he had made the right choice. He doesn’t dwell on it much though, the privilege of making his own mistakes on his own accord sounding much better than having a divine being playing puppet with him. 

He’s sitting on the black marble counter in his open-plan kitchen, his feet swinging from above the glistening wooden floors to the beat of the song playing on his radio— Tangerine by Led Zeppelin. He hums along to the song as he waits for his guests to arrive which he suspects is in the next ten or fifteen minutes. He doesn’t mind waiting, the little solitary moment feeling like the calm before the storm. 

The doorbell goes off before the song ends, and he hops off the counter, fixing his damp and perfectly styled hair as he makes his way over to the door in his new outfit— grey dress pants, a white shirt and a black V-neck sweater over it. He gets to the door, twists the handle and pulls it open, revealing a cheery Castiel, his eyes are bright with no dark circles surrounding them and his skin looks that beautiful tan tone Dean could never admit to liking so much. He looks amazing and it seems like he’s nursed himself back to health. 

Dean takes a step back and let’s Cas in, the man’s pungent scent of a sort of citrusy perfume almost knocking the air right out of his lungs. The smell lingers and Dean wishes it could stay longer but it fades and fuses into the aroma of the lamb shanks Dean had made for dinner. 

“Happy birthday, Dean. If I’d have known sooner, I would’ve given you a gift better than a bottle of wine.” Castiel speaks, the gravel of his voice like an angel’s touch, leaving a brand on one’s soul. He hands Dean the bottle, the grin on his face, soft and shy. 

“thanks, Cas. And don’t worry about gifts, I didn’t really expect you to pop up with a fifty-karat gold watch or anything.” Dean leads him to the kitchen and grabs two wine glasses from one of the kitchen cabinets. 

Castiel looks around the house while Dean pours them some wine, he’s seated on a black marble bar stool, his eyes astonished by the beauty of Dean’s home. It’s decorated in a few fresh flowers and succulents, the walls are marble white, the tables and kitchen cabinets are all made of oak wood and it glimmers under the soft lighting, showing off its varnished finish. There’s a stone fireplace in the living room and on the mantelpiece, a few framed pictures and little ornaments. The rustic coffee table is surrounded by two grey Lawson sofas, and under it is a beautiful white shaggy rug. It’s so simple yet so stunning. 

“you’ve got a beautiful home.” Castiel speaks after a beat, his eyes still roaming around, rather stunned that his lumberjack neighbor doesn’t live in a pigsty like he imagined him to. 

“bet you’re real surprised.” Dean hands him his glass of wine and takes a seat right beside him, Cas doesn’t say anything as he brings his glass up to his mouth, hiding his grin from Dean. 

“so, who else is coming? Is it only your brother and colleague?” Castiel questions after a moment of silence. his glass almost empty, the tiny bit of alcohol he consumed already making him feel more relaxed than ever. Dean reaches for the bottle and pours the man another glass before doing the same for himself. He never, not even in a million years, pictured himself sipping on wine while listening to a soft rock album with another man on a Saturday night. He feels like one of those bored suburban moms who has nothing better to do than have six-hour long chats with their neighbors. 

“nah. Two other friends from Sioux Falls are coming, and his fiancée.” He answers and focuses on his drink that’s beginning to taste better the more he consumes it. 

“your brother… uhm, is he the only family you’ve got?” the curiosity gets the better of him and for a moment he doesn’t blame himself for it. Dean’s been his neighbor for almost a month now and he knows jack-squat about him, he’s surprised that he didn’t find himself intruding earlier on.

There’s a sudden sharp pain in Dean’s chest when he thinks about his family, the ones he lost before he could really get to know them and the ones that died by his hands… by his hands because ultimately everything that happened to them, everything that lead up to their demise was because of him, whether it was to save him or whether it was blindly going along with one of his half-assed plans, it was all on his hands.

He can’t muster up enough strength to answer Castiel quick enough to mask the pain beaming off him like an SOS siren. 

“I am way out of line, I’m sorry.” Castiel’s brows furrow, the instant regret evident in his expression and tone. Dean waves him off and offers him a reassuring smile. 

“it’s fine, it’s just, if you’re referring to blood related, then yeah, he’s the only family I’ve got, but beyond that, no, I’ve got Sammy, Bobby, Eileen—the list goes on.” He says and Castiel want’s to ask more but he lets it go, not wanting to seem intrusive.

The bell goes off not long after that and they both stand to meet the rest of the guests. Castiel stops a few feet behind Dean and waits for him to let his friends and family in. Sam, Eileen, Bobby, Jody, Donna and Benny walk in and each one of them embraces Dean in a tight hug. He feels slightly embarrassed by it, feeling Castiel’s eyes burn holes into his back. 

“Alright, enough.” He shoos them off playfully and side steps, gesturing to Castiel. “I want you guys to meet a… friend… of mine.” He adds, awkwardly. 

“Hi, I’m Castiel. It’s nice to meet you all.” He shakes each hand and when he gets to Benny’s he makes a pregnant pause, they both hesitate before shaking hands. There’s tension between the two but they brush it off, not wanting anything to come between Dean celebrating his birthday.

The night goes by smoothly despite whatever is happening between Castiel and Benny. They all have dinner around the dining table in peace, talking about work, life and definitely not hunting. Though Donna almost mentions vampires about three or four times during the conversation, forgetting that Castiel and Benny are in the dark. 

They soon move the little party to Dean's back yard, the cool breeze of the night like a breath of fresh air. They’re all seated on wooden chairs surrounding the warm fire pit, sipping on ice-cold beers while old static tunes exude from an old radio of Dean’s. Donna and Jody are seated inches from each other, engrossed in their own intimate conversation while Eileen teaches Cas new ASL phrases, they go on from that to talking about the diamond rock banded around her ring finger. 

“your friends seem great.” Sam speaks, a proud smile on his face. Nothing makes him happier than seeing Dean living this beautiful and normal life he never thought he could have, a part of him wishes he were there to witness it every day but they’re different people now walking on different paths. 

“Cas is kind of a dick to be honest.” He says, eyeing the man that’s seated from across him. he looks absolutely gorgeous under the moonlight and under the light of the sparkling flame between them, and Dean wishes he were a little bit closer, wanting his scent and warmth to engulf his whole being. 

“that explains why you two are such good friends,” Sam teases and get’s a nudge from Dean. 

“but seriously, I’m glad that you have people here for you, it seems like things are going pretty well.” He adds and Dean rolls his eyes at Sam’s words. If only he knew.

“yeah, and what about you? I mean, you’re practically living the dream.” He praises.

“I am, but it’s not your dream. This right here is yours, it’s comfortable, cosy and simple. There’s nothing wrong with loving a simple life, especially when the rest of it has been anything but.” Sam reassures him. He knows his brother better than anyone and he knows that Dean’s been struggling ever since he finished his degree at Stanford and made such a smooth transition from the supernatural world to the normal world in contrast to Dean who still had to figure out who he was as a person without the aspects of everything supernatural playing a part in his identity.

“I know, I just don’t know if it’s enough anymore. What if I want something more, something I know I can’t have?” Sam follows Dean’s eyes back to Castiel and his brows immediately raises in curiosity and slight confusion. 

He’s always suspected his brother to have a thing for men but up until this very moment he’s never really thought about it.

“why can’t you have it? What’s stopping you?” Dean faces him and he realises that he’s been looking at Castiel this whole time. His heart almost gives in, it beats so fast and loud that he swears the whole room can hear it. He feels like throwing himself over a bridge, ashamed and horrified on Sam’s behalf. 

“I think it’s time we cut the cake and bring out a few bottles of whiskey.” He deflects, speaking loud enough to grab everyone’s attention. He stands to his feet and so does Cas, beating Benny to it. 

They walk back into the kitchen in silence, both of them drunk, but not enough to say stupid unsolicited shit to each other. Cas aims for the cake, stacking a few candles onto it while Dean grabs the drinks.

“I like your family, they’re very kind.” He aligns the candles perfectly on the rectangular shaped cake, his tongue jotting out of the side of his mouth as he concentrates. 

“they seem to like you too.” Dean smiles, wide because he knows that Castiel can’t see it from where he’s standing. 

“well, I am a very charming guy. I’m surprised you didn’t fall for me yet.” There’s silence and for a moment Castiel thinks that Dean had walked out on him— he hasn’t. he looks up and meets Dean’s terrified eyes, he’s frozen in place and he’s not sure how to react to Castiel’s words. Shit! 

“Dude—” Castiel stands straight, a tiny smirk drawn across his face. “It’s just a joke.”

The heat rises from his neck to his cheeks and they’re suddenly tinted with a bright red. Castiel laughs, his chuckle bubbly and weightless as he tends to the cake again. 

“You should head out, the cake should actually be a surprise.” He says and Dean scurries out without another word. 

He takes his seat again but this time Sam is seated with Eileen, his arms around her so tightly as if he had been missing her for ten years now. She doesn’t protest, the warmth he provides, her best source of comfort. 

Castiel walks out with the cake, each candle on it lit, illuminating his face and highlighting his features. Everyone starts singing to Dean, and if you look deep and close enough you could see the tears starting to form in his emerald eyes. There’s something so memorable and beautiful about this moment and he knows that come hell or high waters he’ll never ever forget about it. He blows each candle out, the wish he makes remaining unknown to everyone but himself, and even though he knows it’s unlikely, every fibre in his body prays for it to come true.

Everyone leaves about two hours later, everyone except for Castiel who’s seated alone by the fire, watching as the flame burns, the sparks flying out from above it looking like stars and constellations in the process of forming. His mind is preoccupied, the lull of the music somehow helping him read his own thoughts coherently. He had fun with Dean and his family, surprisingly, they turned out to be better than what he expected. They remind him of the family he wishes he had. His father and his brothers were always quite distant from him and sometimes he feels like he deserved it because if it weren’t for him, if he weren’t born, their mother would still be alive and his father would still have a wife. He never got the warm and cosy feeling people get when they talk about family, he never understood the term especially before Jack was born. 

Dean walks out of the kitchen door, the large glass structure wide open, allowing the cool air from outside to settle in the house. He walks up from behind the silent man and rests a hand on his shoulder, figuring that he misses his son. He squeezes lightly and it feels as of though a massive weight has been lifted off Castiel’s shoulder. He tilts his head to look at the man, gratitude written all across his face. Dean grins back and proceeds to take a seat beside him. 

“Here. Looks like you need this more than I do.” He hands Cas his glass of whiskey, gaining a soft smile from him. Their fingers brush for a second and they both try to fight the burning sensation it lit in them, but it’s so strong and so loud, making it near impossible to ignore. 

“do you want another glass?” Dean questions after Castiel gulps down the strong liquid to distract himself from his thoughts. He declines, his head already buzzing from too much alcohol. 

“I think we should stop drinking if we plan on getting up tomorrow.” Cas says as he puts the glass down, his eyes are on Dean and they momentarily drift to his plump lips. 

He wants to tell him they’re beautiful and distracting, he wishes he had the guts to, he wishes he could charm him like he charms the other guys and maybe get a little taste of him. He grasps his bottom lip in between his teeth before releasing it, letting it pop out wet and flushed. Dean notices and the urge to grab the man by the collar and just kiss him silly gets stronger as the seconds pass.

“I want to kiss you.” Dean hears himself say, his voice low and gravelly, his eyes dark and lustful as he inches in. Castiel is frozen still, his lips parted, and his heart beating so hard against his ribcage that it hurts. Dean closes the gap between them, their warm alcohol coated breaths hovering in the middle until it’s gone. 

Their lips touch, sparking a volt of electricity in the both of them. Dean encloses his lips around Castiel's soft ones as he moves closer to the man, placing his hands on either side of his face. The kiss gets heated and passionate, they’re breathing heavy as they deepen it. It feels amazing, elevating and freeing. It’s been at least 20 years since Dean has felt the touch of another man and it feels indescribable… it feels right. 

Castiel pulls away just as Dean is starting to enjoy it all, his cheeks flushed and his lips swollen. His heart is racing so fast that it makes him nauseous. 

“I have to go. I’m sorry, Dean.” Castiel stands to his feet so fast that he almost falls back. He walks away and doesn’t look back, the regret churning in the pit of his belly.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

January 25th. Dean wakes up with a pounding head full of regrets. Last night was anything but what he was expecting, especially the incident with Castiel. He doesn’t know where he found the courage and the strength to do what he did, but it was stupid and selfish and now every fiber in his body writhes with disgust. How could he be so shameful? How could he do the one thing he promised his father never to do again? How could he be so weak? To just give into his feelings and temptations like that? He hates himself for it but part of him knows that it was always bound to happen again, that no matter how long he tries to suppress his needs and wants— whether five months or twenty years— his true, shameful feelings would always eventually catch up to him, and now it has ruined whatever form of friendship he was building with Castiel. 

He gets out of bed and his head spins as he does so. He stops and gives himself a moment to find his composure before he proceeds and walks off to his bathroom to hopefully scrub off the disgrace like dirt. 

When he finally makes it out of the shower, he feels slightly better, the headaches have subsided, and his body doesn’t ache as much as it did earlier, but the shame and the hate is still there. He shoves them down, as far as he possibly can, and proceeds. 

He ends up in kitchen and ignores the mess they had made last night to make himself a cup of strong black coffee, he needs it and given that its only 7am, he’s going to need more than a cup to get him back to his old self. 

He shuffles his feet all the way to the couch facing the fireplace and plops himself down, feeling the weight of his half-assed actions pulling him down. 

‘God. This is gonna be a long day’

The bell goes off and breaks his train of thought. His heart races and it beats so loud that he’s certain the person on the other end of the door could hear it too. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t even attempt to as the bell goes off again. There’s no way in hell that he’s standing up to face Castiel, he can’t muster up enough strength to. 

“Dean, it’s Cas. Open the door please.” the man pleads from behind the door, his disembodied voice sounding desperate and distraught. Dean shuts his eyes and tries to ignore the pain coursing through him, he tries to ignore it and forget it all but, god, he can’t do it and it feels as though there’s an invisible force pulling him to Castiel, wanting him to be as close to him as possible. 

His guts tie up into a billion knots as his feet finds life of its own, subconsciously carrying him to the door. His steps are slow and tentative, but they still carry him forward. He latches a hand around the handle and twists it until it clicks. Castiel hears it and his nerves are skyrocketing now, but he pushes them down and waits— Nothing happens. There’s silence at the other end but he’s certain that Dean didn’t walk away, he’s certain that he’s still there, fear or humiliation probably halting his movements. 

“Dean, listen to me.” He begins. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to walk out on you. I panicked.” He adds and Dean fights the urge to open the door. 

He has about a dozen things to say but he can’t muster up the courage to do it. He stays silent, his hand still on the handle, burning to make a move. 

“I know you’re there. Just open the door and talk to me.” Castiel’s words have hardly set as the door swings open, so fast that one could swear Dean was eager to do it, that all he needed was just a little push. 

He almost forgets how to breathe as he stares back at a shirtless Dean, his torso chiseled to perfection, the scars and ominous tattoos etched across it, like another mystery he has yet to uncover about the man. He swallows hard and tries not to let his mind deflect from the important situation at hand. 

Dean sees the look Castiel throws him and if he weren’t so self-conscious right now, he’d make some remark. He folds his arms against his bare chest and waits for Castiel to speak, his face pulled into a serious scowl.

“I know running off like that was a dick move, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t even think you liked men, let alone me. I guess I was just overwhelmed.” 

“I don’t.” Dean interjects and Castiel frowns, unsure of what to say to that. 

“What?” 

“I don’t like you, Novak.” He makes himself clear and Castiel stares back at him with a raised brow, finding it hard to believe the words coming out of his mouth.

“so, you just go around the neighborhood and make out with men you don’t like?” his question is rhetoric, and it makes Dean wish he never opened the door in the first place. 

“No, but I sure as hell do a lot of stupid crap when I’m shitfaced. I mean, did you really think that I actually like you?” Castiel’s expression changes at his words, it’s a slight change, so minor that if you don’t look hard enough you wouldn’t be able to see it, but it’s there and though he hardly shows it, he feels the pierce of Dean’s words penetrate his heart. 

He’s unsure of what to do at this point, Dean like a damn powder keg ready to go off at any second. He doesn’t know what to say or how to even say it because it seems like whatever he comes up with, Dean won’t care, that he’s made up his mind already and convinced himself that what he did last night wasn’t due to his attraction to men, that it was just the alcohol speaking. He suspects that he’s been struggling with his sexuality for an exceptionally long time and that anything that feels like a confrontation will set him off. It’s true, no one knows about Dean's true sexual identity except for the two men he had slept with, and his father who went to the deepest and darkest lengths to make sure that his son quickly grows out of this ‘phase' because God forbid John Winchester raising a damn cock sucker in his house— he’d rather die. 

“If your goal is to hurt me, it’s not working.” He says and takes a step forward closing the large gap between Dean and himself, but it’s only for a moment, Dean steps back, the slight fear in his eyes evident. He swallows hard and when he feels comfortable enough to breathe again he releases a deep breath, his chest heaving as he does so.

“Castiel, I don’t need this drama, and I certainly don’t need you, so why don’t we just forget about last night and move on with our lives.” There’s absolute silence around them and for a moment it feels as though the world had stopped turning. He tears his eyes away from Castiel’s, afraid that if he sees the damage he’d done he’d want to repair it.

“So, this is it? We just pretend like nothing happened and go back to not talking?” Castiel questions despite knowing the answer. Dean looks up at him once more and shrugs, his expression nonchalant as if he couldn’t give two shits about any of this. 

Castiel steps back, the hurt evident in his eyes. He’s not sure why it hurts so much and why he even likes this idiot of a man to begin with. It could be the fact that there was an unmistakable spark between them, however small and insignificant at first, a spark that they both could feel, that he wanted to explore and find out the meaning of.

He draws in a sharp breath and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out and it feels as though he has lost the ability to speak. He gives up and steps off Dean’s porch before walking away without looking back. Dean watches, he aches to run after him and pull him back, but he doesn’t, the damage is already done and there’s no going back. This is the end of their very short-lived friendship.

♧♧♧

January 31st. It’s been a week since Dean had spoken to Cas, let alone seen him, whenever he does, he pretends not to, it’s stupid but he keeps it up, positive that the longer he stays away from the man the faster they can both get over all of this crap. 

He’s in a small bar with Benny, catching up and having a few drinks, but not too many to make stupid mistakes again, though he doubts that it’ll happen with Benny because he just doesn’t really feel anything for him, he feels more like a brother to him than anything else. He asks about Anna and what happened to her, and though Dean doesn’t want to talk about it, he caves and tells him everything about how they parted ways, and how there wasn’t really a connection between them. 

“how would you know? You’ve been with her for five minutes and all you guys did was fuck.” He says and Dean shrugs his shoulders, silently agreeing with the man because it is true after all, whether or not he had a connection with Anna will remain unknown to him because he never tried to find out, he never cared enough to. 

He reflects on Benny’s words and a part of him wants to go to her and fight for a second chance. I mean, for all he knows he could be missing out on a lifetime of happiness all because his stupid heart didn’t make multiple flips the first, second and third time they kissed.

“you think I should try and get her back?” he questions only to know what Benny would think about it. Ultimately, he doesn’t need Benny's approval or disapproval, something in him just wants someone to tell him not to do it, to tell him that it's stupid and it’ll get him nowhere.

“I don’t think she’d wait this long for you, mate. But I guess you should give it a try, only if you really want to.” The blue eyed man shrugs.

Dean hums idly, his eyes moving from one cheery stranger to another, wishing he could have whatever they took. 

They continue to drink in silence and before they finish their beers Castiel walks in accompanied by Mick. He doesn’t see Dean seated at the bar and Dean doesn’t notice him either, his mind drifting between this and that. 

“there’s your buddy.” Benny points with his head and Dean follows his eyes all the way to Mick and Cas finding a seat a few feet away from them. Fuck!

“hmm…” He carefully eyes them as an unsolicited wave of jealousy courses through him. He tightens his grip around the beer bottle in his hands and quickly brings it to his mouth as a means of distraction. He empties the bottle with one swig and slams it down so hard that the table shakes from the abrupt force. 

Benny senses the tension and the jealousy and for a split second he wants to get up and scurry out of the room but he stays put. He has no problem with people being gay but lord knows that after all these years he still doesn’t truly understand anything other than heteronormativity. He takes a breath, his body looking stiff and uncomfortable.

“do you, erm… are you two—” he falters, not knowing where to begin with his question.

“—a thing?” Dean finishes his question for him, his brows arched. “no, god no.” 

He notices Benny’s shoulders fall in relief and that’s when his mind drifts to the question he’s been burning to ask ever since his birthday, ever since he noticed the tension between him and Castiel. 

“How do you know him, Benny?” If he didn’t know better it’d sound like he’s somewhat protective over Castiel and that he knows that whatever happened between the two men was Benny’s fault. 

“come on, I saw the way you two were looking at each other the other night, like y’all knew each other. What happened between you two?” He presses.

Benny sighs and looks over his shoulder to see if Castiel had spotted them yet— he hasn’t. He turns back to face Dean, his brows drawn in shame. 

“We became friends just after he moved here. He was a friendly guy, charming and just fun to be around—” he begins and Dean silently agrees with him. He found Castiel very charming, even the first day they met, the day he wanted to bite Dean’s head off for yelling at his son. 

“—but, at the time, things were very different from now, our views, our morals…” he struggles. Dean can tell what it’s about but he stays silent and waits for him to finish. “I found out about him being gay and I just, I pushed him away and we haven’t really spoken ever since.” He concludes, his voice laced in shame. 

Dean’s teeth are clenched and his jaw twitches as he tries to process Benny's words without taking them to heart. He glances over at Castiel who’s enjoying a glass of whiskey with Mick, the smile on his face genuine and relaxed. Even though he might be slightly jealous of Mick, seeing Castiel smile calms him greatly. 

He looks back at Benny who’s eyes can’t seem to meet Dean’s, the guilt in them far too great to be overcome with his usual nonchalant façade. 

“now, I know you don’t need me to tell you just how fucked up that is.” His tone is harsher than expected but he doesn’t really care. 

“I get it, you were born and bred in the south, a true fucking Texan man, but that’s no excuse to treat people like shit.” He adds. 

“I know, I was an idiot and if I could make it right, I would, but I can’t—"

“—but you don’t want to.” Dean interjects. “if you wanted to make it right then you wouldn’t be avoiding him right now.” He hops off his stool and grabs his jacket before putting it on. 

“come on, man. Are you serious right now?” he throws his arms out, quite agitated by Dean’s response. 

“I don’t feel like drinking anymore, okay?” Dean mutters and walks away. He makes it out without Castiel seeing him and he feels grateful for that, he’s not sure what he would’ve done if he did— probably act like a dumbass again.

The air outside is cool but pleasant and he takes some time to appreciate it as he saunters to his car, slowly, almost as if he’s waiting for something to happen or for someone to storm out of that bar, but they never do and Dean feels like 30 seconds waiting on a damn man is 30 seconds too long. 

He jams his keys in the keyhole and unlocks the car— He’s still waiting— He opens the door, it’s old hinges squeaking as he does so. Nothing happens, no one approaches him, so he gives up and slides into his car before driving off, his heart shattered, the feeling unexplainable. 

Eight-forty-five, thirty minutes later and he finds himself parked outside a small yard. The house almost goes unseen in the dark as a large oak tree stands before it. He switches off the ignition and stares at the place, there’s a dim light coming from the windows and that’s all he needs to know that she’s home. He gets out and makes his way over to the front door. The wooden floor creaks from beneath him, the sound, alarming. The whole neighborhood is dark and quiet, and it reminds Dean of the times he still used to hunt. It’s been a long time since then but he’s still aware of his surroundings, and if push comes to shove one of these days, he’d be ready for anything. 

He draws in a deep breath and forgets all about the creepy neighborhood before knocking on the front door. There’s still silence, in the house and all around him. He knocks again, and it goes unanswered again. 

‘Come on, Anna!’ 

His mind whispers as if actually upset that the girl he doesn’t want is ignoring him. It's a good thing, well, it would’ve been if he didn’t feel like crap right now. He craves to be touched and reassured and he doesn’t know where else to find it right now.

He knocks two more times and finally gets a response. The young woman stands before him, her deep red hair tied into a bun, a pair of black framed reading glasses hanging low on the bridge of her nose. She’s surprised to see Dean— surprised but glad. She knows what he did was fucked up but she can’t deny the fact that she’s been thinking about him and burning for him ever since they last saw each other. She knows that if she opens this door and lets him in, he’s gonna end up hurting her again, but she does it anyway, stashing away the two fucks she gives about her heart so far down that it feels like it was never there in the first place.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

February 10th. It’s been days since Dean had seen Castiel and even though he claims to prefer things this way, he can’t help but miss his neighbor. They’ve hardly had any interactions in the past, and when they did it was often a stupid and short disagreement or them accidentally confiding in each other like they’ve been life long friends. I guess he misses that, having someone to talk to. He hasn’t been very open with Cas but he can admit that he’s shared more with him than he has with Benny who, on paper, would seem closer to Dean than anyone has been in a while, but truth be told, he tolerates him more than he wants him there. He knows he sounds like an ass for thinking it but honestly, it’s how Dean feels about a lot of people— except for the handful that accidentally crept up his heart and found a home in it just as he found a home in them.

He can’t say that his emotional detachment is a conscious choice because it was basically drilled into him from a young age. He was made to believe that showing feelings and vulnerability was showing weakness, and there was no room for that in his life, he needed to be strong, he needed to be a soldier to keep his little brother safe from the things that go bump in the night. So, now he doesn’t have the faintest idea of how to open up and let go. He keeps everything hidden away, even from Sam, heck! Especially from Sam. He never wanted his brother to know what a mess he is— he doesn’t want anyone to know. He feels like bottling everything up is easier than talking about them, because if he talks about them he has to admit that they’re real, that the darkness and brokenness inside of him is all real, and he can’t do that— he can’t risk scaring any more people off than he had already done.

And then there’s Castiel. Dean doesn’t know how he found himself so taken by that man, how he allowed such a pretentious little ass to break through his walls. He feels unsettled by it but there’s no denying that he’d go through that uncomfortable pain of breaking his barriers down just to have that man smile back at him.

He paces back and forth behind the large building of the auto repair shop he works at. His phone is in his muck covered hands, the screen on, an eleven-digit number dotted across it. His right thumb hovers over the dial button, tentative. He pokes his head out from behind the brick wall to make sure no one had followed him out to the back, he releases a breath when he finds the narrow space that leads to the back of the building empty. His back falls against the wall, his feet too tired to carry his weight.

He draws in a sharp breath and steels his finger against the glass screen, dialing the unsaved number. It rings three times and each pause between feels like an eternity to Dean as he holds onto his breath.

“Hello?” the gruff voice comes from the other end, and Dean swallows hard, his eyes shut. He has to admit that hearing Castiel’s voice again after so long feels really good.

“Cas. Hi. It’s me, it’s Dean.” He falters after a pregnant pause. Castiel’s eyes widen at the sound of the man’s voice and his heart races. The color red flushes his cheeks as he sits on his desk in his empty classroom, accompanied by a colleague and friend— Inias Grace. Cas tries to act normal, like the sound of Dean’s voice has no affect to him but Inias knows, he doesn’t need Cas to tell him to know how much this Winchester character affects him. He spares his friend from humiliation and continues aimlessly scrolling through his phone, pretending not to notice anything. 

Cas clears his throat, his eyes on Inias as he pushes himself off the table to exit his classroom. It’s 3pm and most of the kids are already gone so the hallways are about as empty as it gets. 

“Why are you calling me?” he questions, genuinely confused. The last time he checked Dean wanted nothing to do with him. 

“To talk.” Dean gives a brief and useless answer. He’s stalling honestly, he’s not sure if he can bring himself to do what he actually called to do. 

“I’m not in the mood for your crap, Dean. Not today!” Castiel snaps. 

“Okay, okay. Just don’t hang up on me.” He says, his tone more serious than it was a moment ago. He knows Cas has zero crap tolerance so he might as well just get this over and done with before he pisses him off any more than he’d already done. 

“Talk!” he dictates and Dean clears his throat before starting. 

“I’m sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I shouldn’t have pushed you away and I sure as hell shouldn’t have kissed you—” the latter stings and Castiel draws in a sharp breath to try and keep his calm. Some apology.

“—I put you in an awkward position and I can understand why you ran off; I would’ve done the same thing. It wasn’t right of me and I feel terrible that it ruined our friendship.” He says honestly. He’s going to be living next door to this man for years probably and the last thing he wants is to have bad blood flowing between them, and not the ‘keep your dog from shitting on my lawn' type.

“I hope we can move past it and start over perhaps?” he adds as he nervously sways on his heels.

There’s a smile on Castiel’s face, it’s small but genuine. “I’d like that— for us to start over.” 

“Can I see you tonight? 8pm if you’re not busy?” Dean asks, his cheeks a deep shade of pink he blames on the sun. 

“Yeah, my place?” 

“Sounds good. I gotta go now, I’ll see you tonight.” And with that he cuts the call, releasing a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding in. 

Castiel walks back into his classroom and immediately locks eyes with a curious Inias. He doesn’t speak as he takes his seat in front of him again, his hands resting on his knees. 

“I’m not telling you anything.” Cas speaks, his tone not as serious as he hoped it to be. Inias replies with a short and breathy laugh. 

“you say that as if you have a choice, Castiel.” He shoots him a devilish grin as he folds his arms against his chest.

♧♧♧

Seven-fifty and Dean is frantically pacing around a messy room, picking up his clothes from off the floor, he finds his t-shirt and boxers and slips them on, and then his jeans and shoes which he couldn’t place for at least a whole minute— a damn minute too long. Anna comes in wearing nothing but Dean’s red and black plaid shirt, her delicates hidden under the rough fabric. She carries a disappointing frown on her face as she watches him get ready to leave. 

“Where are you going?” her voice is so soft and fragile that it sounds like it could break at any second. 

“I promised Castiel to meet him at eight—” he doesn’t face her as he sits at the edge of her bed, tying up his shoelaces. He jumps up and fixes his pants before his eyes eventually meets her sad green ones. His expression changes the minute he takes note of her disappointment, a sorry look etched across his face. 

“You also promised to have dinner with me, or did you forget?” He completely forgot. He wishes he could stay but fixing things with Castiel is much more important than just having a normal dinner with his not-girlfriend girlfriend.

He saunters over to her and places his hands on each side of her face. Her skin is soft and cold against his rough hands and he almost pulls away, afraid that he might be hurting her. 

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He urges for her to meet his eyes and she does, the shades of green in them so captivating that she almost forgets to breathe. “I just… it’s important that I see him.” He adds and she tries to understand. 

“Okay.” She sighs and offers him a tight-lipped smile as her mind tries to convince her heart that everything’s fine.

Dean grins back at her and places a kiss on her forehead before letting his hands drop from her face. He bids her goodbye and disappears within seconds.

He sprints out of the house, the cool air clashing against his warm skin. He makes it to his car and as soon as he gets in, he races off into the dark and quiet road. 

♧♧♧

It’s eight-thirty and he finally makes it. He steps on Castiel’s porch, his heart racing so fast that it feels like it’s about to jump out of his chest. He knocks, quietly, as if afraid to actually be confronted by the man. He feels like he had messed up, that he had ruined things before he even got the chance to fix them, so there’s no doubt that he’s slightly anxious to see Cas. 

“come in.” the voice on the other end instructs and Dean tries to listen for any traces of anger or disappointment laced in its tone, but there’s none. he takes it as a good sign and releases the breath he had been holding in since he stepped foot in this yard.

His teeth grind against the soft skin in his mouth as his hand finds the doorknob, twists it and opens the cherry wood door. He’s met with warm jasmine scented air and the first thing he does is let out a soft amused chortle. He expected nothing less from Castiel. The house is as big as his but everything around it looks prettier and definitely more expensive. The floors are paneled with a glistening cherry wood and as Dean takes his first step on them, he feels light as a feather, the wood not even giving as much as a slight crack under the pressure of his weight. He takes it all in, the calming scent, the classic with a modern twist interior, and Castiel, who looks relaxed in his cotton knit pajama pants. His hair is damp, and it glistens almost as much as his beautiful blue eyes. Breathe Dean, breathe.

“So, you finally decided to show up.” Castiel speaks as Dean hesitantly treads over to him, his hands dug deep into his jean’s pockets. The corner of his lips are drawn down, the hangdog look he offers Castiel like the one his son thinks he’s credulous enough to fall for. 

He rolls his eyes, amused but not surprised that Dean would pull a trick like this. He puts both hands on his hips as he clicks his tongue three times, his head lightly nodding as he does so. “Dean, I have a six-year-old son and even he knows not to pull this on me.”

“you can’t blame a guy for trying, right?” he scrunches his freckled nose in the cutest manner a 42-year-old man could accomplish. Castiel almost caves. 

“you’re gonna have to try a little bit harder than that.” Cas takes a seat by his counter, letting his hips swing the bar stool around so he could give Dean his back. There’s a stack of unmarked assignments in front of him and a box of untouched pizza a few feet away from it.

“noted.” The taller man comes from behind him, his body so close that Cas could feel the heat radiate off him. he draws in a short and sharp breath, trying his best not to let the obvious feelings he has for Dean brew. 

Dean moves a second later and Castiel watches him through his peripheral vision and watches as he occupies the empty seat beside him. He doesn’t make any effort to face him as he still feels the man’s body heat engulf him. 

“What’cha got there?” he peers over Castiel’s shoulder and watches as he struggles to grade his kids’ work. 

“unmarked assignments—” the hairs on the back of his neck raises as he feels Dean’s minty breath blow against his skin. He swallows and turns his head to face the little shit. “—you clearly need my attention more, so I guess it’ll go unmarked a little longer.” Their eyes are glued on each other’s and their faces are inches from touching. This is not how they pictured ‘starting over’ would look like. 

Dean offers him a boyish grin, his pearly whites glistening under the soft lighting. “thank you.” His dark lashes bat against his cheeks and Castiel feels like a gullible fool— he shamelessly fell for Deans tricks not even a damn minute after saying he wouldn’t. 

“You fucking brat.” He bites down onto his bottom lip and shakes his head as he watches Dean convulse in a fit of laughter. 

He wipes a hand over his face as his laughter simmers. His smile replaced by a serious look. “I’m sorry for coming late, by the way. I got caught up and I er—” 

“clearly.” Castiel interrupts, pointing at the dark marking on his throat. He has to admit that he’s slightly jealous and curious, but not enough to let Dean know. 

Dean replies with a nervous laugh as he tries to hide the spot with his hands. His cheeks are a burning red and Castiel feels like it’s payback for what he did just a moment ago. 

“there’s pizza if you’re hungry, which I’m sure you are, I mean, you must’ve burnt a shit ton of calories.” He continues, his victory tasting better than he expected it to. 

“Oh my God, Cas—” 

“okay, okay. I’m done.” He raises both hands in defeat, the grin on his face, wide and quite priceless. 

Dean grabs the pizza box and slides it across the black marble counter. He opens the box, his tongue swiping over his bottom lip as the scent arises. He takes one slice of the sweet chili chicken pizza and slides the box out to Cas who gets rid of his work before taking a slice as well.

“it’s cold.” Dean’s words come out muffled as the food rotates in his mouth. 

“it was warm at eight.” Castiel quips with a mouth full, his words followed by a shrug. Dean lets it go and continues to chew on his food. 

Cas finishes his slice and stands to grab a six pack from the fridge. He only plans to drink one bottle but he’s sure Dean will want more than that. He’s seen the man drink, and he drinks like a fish. 

He sets the beverages down before them and takes his seat again. Dean immediately takes one and downs half of the bottle with one swig. 

“so, uh, how’s the situation goin’ with Kelly? When’s Jack coming home?” Dean questions and Cas’s shoulders slump as if the whole world’s weight has been dumped upon him. Dean notices but before he gets the chance to stop him from talking about it, the words have already left his mouth. 

“I’ve spoken to them both just before you arrived. Jack’s doing good but he still misses home, and Kelly—” he takes a breath. 

“she’s still the same. I mean, I didn’t expect anything else because we hardly talk, and now we’re a damn thousand miles apart which makes everything so much worse.” He finishes. 

“do you think she’d want to keep Jack there?” Dean questions and Cas isn’t sure how to answer a question he has no answers to. He honestly doesn’t know what’s going through that woman’s head, but he hopes that whatever it is, it wouldn’t lead to them fighting for their son. Cas wants nothing but unity, for Jack’s sake mostly, so he’d do about anything for this little ‘experiment’ to go the way he planned it to. 

“I hope not.” He releases a breath and takes another slice of pizza. “so, how’s things going with you? do you have any kids?” he turns the focus away from himself and asks one of the many questions he has lined up for Dean. 

“no, I uh, I didn’t really have any room for that.” No kidding. A hunter’s life is no life for a kid. 

Cas hums to himself as he silently wonders about Dean’s pre-Kansas life. “what about now?” he hears himself ask. 

“do you have room for kids now?” Dean is quite taken aback by the question, but he doesn’t falter because for once he knows exactly what he wants. 

“yeah, I do.” 

They finish their food in silence and reveal a little bit more about themselves later on. Their conversations last for at least three hours and when they’re done it feels as though it lasted for thirty minutes instead. Dean heads home, a warm but tired smile on his face as he saunters out and over to his place.

They’re both happy that they decided to put the past behind them and start over because this honestly does feel like a fresh start, the atmosphere between them weightless and almost euphoric. They have no idea where this ‘friendship' will lead to (or end up), but for the first time since they’ve known each other they’re not afraid to push forward and find out.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

February 13th. Castiel pulls into his driveway, his breath heavy, a massive weight on his shoulders and a dark and sad cloud hovering above him. He feels like he’s drowning in his own mind, the everlasting silence he’s been drenched with at home magnifying his deepest and darkest thoughts, his saddest and most disturbing truths. He feels like a boy again, the small, broken, unloved boy that wants nothing more than to have a shoulder to cry on, the boy that wondered why his father never loved him, why his brothers resented him and why everyone he ever allowed himself to care about left. 

Jack leaving, Kelly pushing him away and taking the one constant in his life— the one person he’d go to the damn deep end of hell for— really did a number on him, and even though he knows Jack’s not gone for good, just the abruptness of his departure had him backed up against a wall, forced to face feelings he wished he had time to ease into. From having a bright soul, a smart and eager mind pitter pattering the hallways, scribbling on the walls and asking endless questions that no one could ever have the answers for…to having no one at all. It’s hard to take on, and every day, even though he tries to keep it up, he feels the unbearable pain cracking through the crevices of his façade. 

He draws in a sharp breath, drowning his tears with the fresh air he had just sucked in. he smiles, a tiny and painful smile, reminding himself that there’s no point in hurting, that there’s no room for that because when Jack gets back, the last thing he’d need is to deal with a broken dad. He opens the door, and the light breeze sweeps over him, taking the heavy cloud along with it. He steps out and he almost feels like he wasn’t just about to have a breakdown, though there’s still a little boy’s voice calling out from behind the closed doors of his mind, begging to be seen, to be heard…to be loved. 

Castiel rushes into his house empty handed, ignoring the “hi’s and hey’s” from his neighbors. He feels awful for that but honestly, there’s only one man’s voice that would make him stop and turn right now, but he’s not here. He treads to the kitchen and hops onto the counter. His back slouches as he takes out his phone to scroll through his contact list. He’s torn between two names; Mick, who he needs for a good release, and Dean; who he honestly just wants to talk to. They’ve been seeing a lot of each other in the past two days, and there’s something about Dean that gets Cas to effortlessly unload whatever he’s feeling.

He stops and contemplates for a while, his feelings for both of them a juxtaposition he wishes he never picked up on, he likes Mick, he’s a sweet guy and they have great times together but there’s no denying that his heart feels something deep and complicating for Dean. He steels his finger on Dean’s number and sucks in a breath as he hears the dial tone. 

“Cas, Hey.” The voice on the other end speaks after the second ring, and even through his insecurities, Cas can tell that he sounds happy to hear from him. 

“Hello Dean.” He greets back and doesn’t make the effort to hide his smile, because what’s the point? No one’s here to see it. 

“are you— is everything okay?” Dean questions, the tiny note of sadness in Castiel’s tone enough for him to pick up on. His brows furrow in concern and he steps away from a curious Benny, leaving his lunch on the tiny diner table as he walks out of the building. 

“yeah, just feeling lonely, I guess.” The words come out before he could stop them. His blood runs cold and his stomach twists with an uncomfortable amount of regret. 

Dean is taken aback by Castiel’s openness but there’s a warmth that pools his heart when he realizes that out of everyone the man could’ve confided in, he chose him. “where are you? I’m coming over.” He speaks, his tone assertive. 

“I just got home.” Cas caves, knowing that arguing with him wouldn’t lead to anything, and every fiber in him wants Dean here so he’s not going to fight it. 

“stay put. I’m on my way.” And with that Dean cuts the call and heads back into the tiny diner that’s situated a few blocks from his workplace. He doesn’t sit back down but instead grabs his jacket laying on his seat, while giving Benny an apologetic look. 

“we’re heading back already?” Benny frowns as he lowers his piled-up fork into his half-eaten plate of blueberry waffles and bacon. 

“No. I need to take care of something. Cover for me at work, okay?” Dean says vaguely as he slips into his jacket. Benny stands, the answer Dean gave not good enough for him. 

“No. I’m not covering for you because you can’t say no to a fucking booty call.” 

“watch your mouth, Benny.” Dean stares him down. “cover for me or don’t, I couldn’t care less but I need to go and if you were a friend of mine, you’d trust me.” He adds and walks out, his feet looking as if it couldn’t carry him fast enough. 

The swift breeze of cool air washes over him and he breathes it in, hoping it’d take the damn pang of whatever the fuck he’s feeling on its way out. 

It takes him only ten minutes to get to Cas, he doesn’t know how he did it or why he did it, why he felt, and still does, the burning need to be here for the man as fast and efficiently as he can, but he doesn’t question it— he couldn’t give a damn about the answers right now.

“Cas?” he knocks on the door, calling out to him as gently as he possibly could. The handle clicks and the door opens so slowly and dubiously that it frustrates Dean to the point that he almost pushes the door wide open to get to Cas. 

“You came?” Castiel’s word come out in sort of a question form, surprised that Dean actually went through so much trouble to make sure he’s okay. 

“of course I did.” Dean steps in, his eyes glued on Cas’s. “I know you’d do the same when it comes down to it.” He places a hand on his shoulder, watching as the older man’s sad eyes effortlessly transcend from the darkness they’ve been hidden in. 

“without question.” Cas speaks, the touch of Dean’s hand so robust that it instigates life into his numb veins. He wishes he could take one step further and pull him in for a hug, to feel Dean’s heartbeat against his own, just to remind himself that he can feel without hurting, but he refrains and stays put.

“come on.” Dean let’s his hand drop too soon for Cas’s liking. “tell me what’s wrong. Is it Jack? You miss him?” Dean speculates as he rests that same hand on Cas’s lower back, guiding him to take a seat, which he does without hesitation. 

If Cas could put this feeling (or feelings) in a box, if he could pinpoint the meaning of it all, he would but having hold back and hide so much from the world, he fears that parts of his answer had been lost in the void he stashes everything away in, and there’s no getting to it with one conversion—there’s not enough time in the world for him to get to it all.

He stays quiet and Dean doesn’t force him to talk. He feels Castiel’s pain and he understands what he’s going through. The loneliness that eats him up everyday, brewing in Dean as well, the feeling of finding someone to lean on but too afraid to actually trust that they would help carry you all the way through to the finish line, something Dean has experienced himself. He understands. 

“I know what it’s like to feel like you’re all alone in this world, cold and abandoned. I know loneliness, trust me, I do, and that’s why I want to be here for you…with you, so you don’t have to go through what I went through my entire life.” He speaks after a lengthy moment of silence and places a hand on Castiel’s cold one, his rough fingers gently wrapping around the other man’s equally rough palm. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, or what in the fucking hell has possessed him to push himself so far, but what he does know is that it makes him feel good. 

Castiel’s breath hitches, his soul feeling like it had left his body. He’s not entirely sure what Dean’s gesture implies for their future, but he doesn’t think about it, he doesn’t focus on the way the other man’s hand wraps around his, the warmth of their skin colliding like atoms forming molecules. He focuses on Dean’s words instead and what they mean to him and what they could mean for this odd friendship they have managed to build together. 

He relaxes and he clasps his hand around Dean's, his heart almost jumping out of his chest as they stare at each other in complete silence. 

♧♧♧

Dean was adamant on staying put, and the more it felt like he wasn’t going to run off the more Castiel became comfortable enough to talk about his issues. He began with the root of it all, or what he thinks is the root— his father. Carver Novak. He has always been cold with Cas, the blatant resentment he had for his son only got more difficult to keep at bay as Cas grew older, he could see so much of his wife in the kid that it pained him to even look at him at some point. He hated Castiel for what he took from him and if given the chance he would’ve sacrificed him to get his wife back. Castiel felt all of that all his life, the unsaid words, the thoughts, and even the dirty looks from his brothers, especially from Lucifer who couldn’t even pretend to like the damn abomination that selfishly ripped through his mother’s flesh to live such a shameful life. He hated him and he still does. Michael, the eldest, was different though, he only ever made Castiel suffer when he himself was suffering, when all he could do was break and bring someone down with him, but despite that, he was always the one to shout ‘enough’ when their father had torn through Castiel's back with the force of the black leather belt he kept specially for him, or when Lucifer would taunt him and threaten to tell everyone about the time he caught him kissing another boy. Michael was always there to ease the pain but regretfully he was never there to stop it from happening in the first place, a part of him, the part that hated Castiel just as much as his brother and father, believed that he deserved it for murdering his mother. 

Dean didn’t know what to do except hold him and make him feel like someone’s there for him, someone that cares. He held him tight, his hands wrapped around his frame, until they both got tired and drifted off on the couch they spent almost six hours talking and watching movies on. 

A subtle sound, one that would go past many, brings Dean from his slumber. He’s still on Castiel’s couch, laid skew on his back with his arms still wrapped tightly around the other man's body. He lifts his head, alarmed by what he heard. He swallows hard and tries his best to shimmy out from under Castiel without waking him up but before he could set himself completely free, the front door opens and a woman walks through it accompanied by a little boy dragging a tiny bag along with him. Dean squints, the tired, and darkness in the house affecting his vision. 

“Kelly?” He speaks, the shock clearly laced in his tone. She doesn’t look all too eager to see him and given the things he’s heard about her, he understands why.

“Hi Dean!” Jack whisper yells at Dean, afraid that his dainty voice would wake his father. 

“Hey kid.” A lazy smile crosses his face and he looks down on the heavy breathing blue eyed man laying on him, his cheeks turning red from the embarrassment. 

“Cas, buddy. Wake up.” He shakes him and after trying it once more Castiel wakes, a confused frown on his face when he meets Dean's eyes. 

“Jack’s here.” Dean looks over his shoulder and Castiel follows his gaze, his eyes immediately tearing up at the sight of his son.

He pushes himself off Dean and stumbles over to Jack, his legs too damn slow to get him there fast enough. He falls to his knees in front of Jack before pulling him in for a tight hug and releasing a heavy breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He doesn’t know how to explain what he’s feeling right now but it’s one of the best feelings he has ever experienced. He pulls back and wipes away the tears that couldn’t help but fall. 

“I missed you so much. You are not allowed to leave me anymore, you hear me?” he smiles as he lightly pinches Jack’s cheeks turning them a slight pink.

“I won’t, I promise.” Jack smiles back at him and Cas gives him another quick hug before putting his focus on Kelly.

“Hey.” She greets him and he stands back up to walk over to her. He pulls her in for a quick hug which she doesn’t decline, and lets go of her just as quick, his confused eyes scanning hers for answers.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” He questions, his eyes still red and swollen from sleep. 

“We wanted to surprise you, but I see now how that wasn’t such a good idea.” She looks over his shoulder, her eyes meeting Dean's shy ones. Castiel follows her gaze and when he sees the look on Dean’s face he just knows that he’s closing off again, building his walls back up around his heart for no one to break down. 

“No, we weren’t—” he doesn’t really know what to say because he’s not even sure what he’s defending himself from or why? He did nothing wrong and he shouldn’t feel like he did. 

“Cas, I should head out and give you and your family some space. I’ll see you soon.” Dean interferes as he walks up to them. He places his hand on the small of Cas’s back, giving it a light pat before heading out. 

“Is he your boyfriend?” Kelly questions as she takes off her coat and shoes to feel more comfortable. She doesn’t mean to sound jealous but she can’t help let the feelings brew as she looks around the house, first to the kitchen where there’s dirty plates on the counter accompanied by two wine glasses, and over to the couch where they were sleeping with a throw blanket wrapped around them. She can’t help but let her imagination run wild.

“Is Dean going to be my new dad?” Jack frowns, he couldn’t help but interrupt the topic, his confusion having the better of him. 

“God— what? No. Jack… no, Dean’s not— he’s just a friend.” He stutters, Jack’s question catching him way off guard. 

He wraps his hand around Kelly’s wrist and leads her out to the back where they’d have more privacy away from Jack.

“Believe it or not but I am not some whore that goes around sleeping with every guy I see.” He snaps. “I told you that he’s just a friend. There’s no need to confuse Jack, he doesn’t need that.” He adds, his tone a bit calmer. He draws in a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment, letting the fresh midnight air wash over him.

“I'm sorry, I just assumed—” 

“—it’s fine, Kel.” He waves her off, not in the mood to drag this topic neither one of them wants to talk about. 

“Thank you for bringing him home, I missed him.” He takes a seat on the edge of the grey outdoor couch, his fingers anxiously fiddling with the fabric of his jeans. 

“So, did you make up your mind?” 

“I did.” She takes a seat next to him and places her hand on his knee. 

“I loved every second of having him with me, there was so much I learned about him and it made me realise how little I know our son. I haven’t always been there for him because when I look at him I see you and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to see you…” she begins, her hand shaking as she speaks. 

“…I’ve taken my issues with you out on our son and it wasn’t fair on him, he didn’t really have a mother because of my petty shit. I want to change that, but I also don’t want to take you two away from each other. I want to do this with you, and even though we can never be the family I envisioned us to be, I believe that our love for him, and for each other is about all we need to create a new and different but strong and united bond.” She adds. 

“I'd love that, but how are we going to do that with you all the way in Washington?” he questions.

“I was thinking that I move back. It’s gonna take some time but when I’m back for good we’ll start over.” She says and he smiles at her, hoping this isn’t just another impulse decision. He wants them to work this out, to become friends, partners, and raise Jack with unconditional love and support, the kind he never had the privilege of getting as a kid. 

“okay, I trust you.” He offers her a smile as he places his hand on hers. 

They go back inside a moment later, and Kelly heads off to the guestroom to rest, right after tucking a sleeping Jack into bed first. Cas stays up a little while longer and cleans up the mess he and Dean had made. He texts him a few times in between, anxious that the affection they’ve shown to each other in front of his son and Kelly might have altered the status of their relationship, but luckily it hasn’t.

Dean: let’s go hiking tomorrow. 5am, it’ll be fun. 

Cas: can I make a better offer? Blueberry pancakes and coffee ;)

Dean: hiking then breakfast? 

Cas: okay deal. See you tomorrow x

And with that he switches his phone off and heads to bed, hoping the four hours of sleep he has yet to get will be enough to keep him from being a moody bitch tomorrow morning.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

February 14th. Castiel walks out at exactly four-forty-five. His shoulders dropped, exhausted from the lack of sleep, and his eyes red and swollen wishing they could have another hour or two of shuteye. But despite his body not being up for anything, he has to admit that he’s excited to spend the morning with Dean, there’s just something about being around that man that makes him feel weightless and free. 

He forces the ghost of a smile that's etched across his face down when he spots a sardonic Dean leaned back against his glimmering muscle car, the smirk pulled on his face almost cynical as he watches an exhausted Castiel tread over to him, his body practically begging to go back to bed. 

Castiel glowers at him and even though his face is contorted with irritation, Dean still finds it beautiful, the creases on his forehead and by his eyes, the morning scruff, his plumped lips and his ocean eyes, they’re perfect and he wishes he could show Castiel just how beautiful he finds him, he'd kneel before his alter and make sure every single inch of his body doesn’t go untouched by his hungry mouth. 

“What are you looking at, Winchester?” Castiel breaks Dean’s train of thought, his brows knit together and the gruff in his voice deeper and more gravelly than usual. It sends chills down Dean’s spine and he feels as his body tremors, begging for just a single touch. 

“That is no way to greet your valentine on valentine’s day, Novak.” He dramatically places a flattened hand against his chest, a fake hurt look etched across his face. Castiel's lips pull up into a tiny beam, his eyes softening with fondness for this fool.

“how do you suggest I do it then?” he stops inches from him, his lascivious eyes moving down from Dean’s glinted ones, over to his lips and further down to the bulging of his black workout pants. Dean’s breath hitches but he loses his stunned look just as fast as it came to him, not wanting to show Cas what an immense affect he has on him.

“play your cards right and maybe I’ll show you.” He quips back as he takes his weight off the car to close the very narrow gap between himself and his charming neighbour. He could feel Castiel’s warmth radiate off him and he’d be lying if he’d say his body wasn’t thoroughly affected by it. 

“I’ll be very disappointed if you didn’t.” Cas says and unconsciously traps his bottom lip between his teeth, grinding it until it pops out, red and swollen. 

“Noted.” Dean mirrors Castiel's gesture and captures his own bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes glued on the man as he does so. There’s something about the look he gives Castiel that suggests that he’s not just saying things, that he truly means them, his eyes dark and laced with lust.

He can hardly breathe as he feels Dean’s warm minted breath brush over his face, erupting a tingling feeling below his pelvis, his heart thuds loud against his ribcage as the fear of being unable to keep his erection at bay floods over him. “we, um, we should get going now.” He moves away from the other man, his cheeks filled with crimson, and beads of sweat forming on his temples as his mind internally fights his bodily urges down. 

His behaviour is odd, but Dean doesn’t question it as they both hop in the car, an unsolicited awkwardness dawning over them. They drive the whole ten minutes over to their destination in complete silence, nothing but music filling the void they’re too afraid to fill themselves. The tension is awkward the first five minutes into their trip through the forest, and they both pretend as if nothing happened as they comment on the remarkable scenery and the serene atmosphere around them. It is indeed beautiful, they’re surrounded by tall slim trees and emerald grass, the trail they walk on tawny and gravelly, dusting their shoes as they stride through it. 

“so—” Cas begins, anxiously clutching his hands around the straps of his backpack. “what are you planning on doing for the rest of the day?” he questions, and Dean doesn’t reply until he accumulates a satisfying answer.

“I’m gonna be with Anna. Y’know, make her feel special and whatnot.” He doesn’t look at Cas as he answers, his eyes aimlessly drifting from one tree to another, looking anywhere but back at the ocean blue they desperately want to look at.

“So, you two are serious?” Cas carries on with the questions even though he already knows the situation between the two of them. Dean is a faithful man—seems to be, at least— so there’s no way he’d be out here flirting with him, whether harmless or not, while he’s in a committed relationship with Anna. But then again, they’re just strong assumptions. 

“what’s up with the sudden interest in my love life?” Dean lets out an exasperated grunt, throwing a cold glare at Cas.

“well, we are friends, I guess, so it’s not as much of an intrusion as it is something you should feel comfortable with sharing.” He states, his eyes peering through the forest, looking out for any critters that might jump out and attack them.

“perhaps ‘acquaintances' works better for you. If so, then you have no obligation to tell me about your girlfriend.” 

“she’s not my girlfriend, we’re just, you know— dating?” He corrects, and Cas gives him a questioning look, his head inclined, and brows furrowed.

“so, it’s all pleasure and no commitment.” He comments, getting another glower from Dean. 

“judgemental much?” Dean picks up his pace, the ground crushing below him as he takes larger steps to get away from his friend’s interrogation. Cas doesn’t let him slip away though as he jogs to catch up to Dean, his chest heaving heavily as he does so. He takes a minute to recollect his breath before starting.

“I’m not judging you; I’m merely making an observation.” He looks at him, his head inclined and turned to face Dean hoping to catch his green eyes. 

“Seems judgmental to me.” He looks at Cas for a split of a second before tearing his gaze away, afraid that if he stares any further into them, he might reveal even more about himself to the man, more than he’s willing to. 

“Perhaps is true then—” Cas accuses. “—you like the sex and the fun stuff but solidifying your relationship with her was never your intention, it still isn’t.” Dean gulps down onto the air around him and his jaw twitches as he takes in Castiel’s words. He’s not sure where all of this is coming from, but he suspects it’s more about a member of a small community protecting an innocent small-town woman from getting her heart broken by an obvious prick than it is about him. He can’t say he’s surprised because everyone around here loves Anna, I mean what’s not to love? And everywhere he goes he seems to get diluted threats thrown his way. 

“Am I that blatant?” he doesn’t argue with him, knowing that it’s of no use. He’s right and trying to hide the obvious truth from Cas wouldn’t do him any good. 

Castiel let’s out a sigh and breaks his gaze with Dean. “not at all. I just happen to read you quite well.” 

“whatever is going on between you and Anna, I just hope that you’re both on the same page.” He adds and silence dawns upon them once more. They stride along the trail, quietly, both of their minds distracted by their own battles. The atmosphere gets lighter as they reach the end of the trail, the sight before them a wonderland, a cool wet breeze carrying the scent of fresh water swoops by them and they both breath it in, feeling their shoulders fall back in relief.

“Good lord.” Castiel walks out before Dean, his eyes widened, filled with awe as he stares back at a tempestuous river, the clear blue water swooshing and crashing against granites scattered across it. It looks amazing, ethereal even, making the hour-long hike worth it. 

“looks even better than the pictures.” Dean comes up from behind him, his eyes glued on the scenery before him. Castiel looks up at him and almost finds it impossible to tear his gaze away, the look on Dean’s face the most peaceful he has ever seen it.

“do you do this often?” Castiel questions as they walk along the riverbank, following it’s flow west. 

“I wish—” His breath hitches as an unseen rock before him almost sweeps him off his feet, the ground below him suddenly slipperier than before as his hands flail out above his head, gripping the air for support. Castiel winces and impetuously grasps a hand around Dean's arm, keeping him from falling flat on his back.

“what the hell is wrong with you?” he snaps as soon as Dean finds his composure again, his heart beating so loud that he’s sure the younger man can hear it.

“Are you hurt?” he doesn’t wait for Dean to answer as he scans the man’s eyes for any pain or discomfort laced in them. He finds nothing but a tinge of fear, and moves his focus to Dean’s body, kneeling before him to make sure there aren’t any scrapes, cuts or bruises on his legs.

“Cas.” Dean whines, looking down at the man who’s knelt down on one knee before him, his palms rubbing gently over Dean’s ankles. 

“Does it hurt?” Cas interjects, his hands on Dean’s left calf, there’s a sting there but Dean keeps a straight face, not wanting to stress him out over a stupid sprain.

“I’m fine.” He wraps a hand around Cas's arm and pulls him back up. He lets his hand slide down his arm before clasping it around his sweaty palm. “let’s take a breather.” He suggests and leads Castiel to a dry spot under a tree.

They drop their bags before sitting down beside each other, their backs planted against the tree that provides them with much needed shade. 

“Here.” Castiel hands Dean a water bottle before taking his own out of his bag. 

“Stop babying me. I didn’t break my arms, I just slipped.” Dean takes the bottle from him and takes a few gulps before emptying the rest of the contents out on his head, his hair pressing against his glistening forehead as he does so. He heaves a few times, his eyes shut, and his head tilted back, trying his best to shake off the exhaustion. 

“You’re practically a senior so I’m sorry if your little trick frightened me.” He rips the wrapped energy bar open and pulls the wrapping down before taking a bite out of the fruity snack. 

“You’re three years older than me.” Dean’s voice pitches, insulted by Cas's words.

“And that’s why you don’t see me jeté-ing all over the place like a damn ballerina.” He interjects. He knows it was a mistake and that he slipped but the pang of fear in his gut wants someone to blame for almost giving him a damn fit.

He draws in a breath, calming his nerves greatly. “Do you want a taste?” He hands Dean the energy bar, his eyes hanging with remorse. Dean takes the bar and takes a bite out of it, his face immediately contorting with disgust.

“Is this how you apologize for being an ageist ass? By giving me a half eaten musty ass chocolate bar?” 

“It’s an energy bar, and just so we’re clear, I’m not apologising. You scared the crap out of me.” Castiel takes the snack back and shoves the rest of it in his mouth. Dean doesn’t say anything but rather lets out a warm chortle, his smile stretching from ear to ear as he watches Castiel. 

“out of everyone I could’ve been neighbours with, it just had to be you.” He shakes his head, and there’s a tiny proud smirk etched across Cas's face as he continues chewing on the tough snack. 

“and you wouldn’t have it any other way.” He leans to his right and places his tired head on Dean’s shoulder, a breath releasing from the grip of his lungs as he feels Dean adjust himself to make his temporary stay more comfortable.

“Mmm...” Dean hums in response and tilts his head so it could find support on Cas's. They sit quietly and enjoy the view for a few minutes before getting up and walking back through the same trail they followed. 

♧♧♧

They end up back at Cas’s place at eight and find Kelly and Jack awake, making breakfast in the kitchen. Dean feels a little out of place as he watches the Novak family greet each other and briefly talk about something he has no knowledge over; he feels like he’s intruding but Castiel reassures him when he takes his hand and leads him to the dining table to take a seat. The gesture feels weirdly normal to the both of them as they manage to look past it and the questioning glare Kelly throws at them. 

“my dad is taking us to visit an animal farm later. Are you coming with us?” Jack questions Dean, his smile bright and hopeful as always. 

Kelly turns her head slightly taking her focus off the bacon she’s frying, and awaits his answer, unsure of what it’ll be. One never knows with Castiel, he probably invited him over for dinner as well.

“Unfortunately not, I don’t think my girlfriend would like me spending valentine’s day away from her.” He smiles and Cas’s heart shudders beside him, the high he was on dwindling so fast as if it were never there in the first place. He’s thoroughly confused by the contrasts of Dean’s words and he begins to wonder if his assumptions on the man’s love life was nothing but his mind wanting him to believe that he could have a chance with him (no matter how miniscule it is), that if what he had with Anna was just fun and games, he’d get a better chance with Dean and he’d feel less crappy about pining for him. 

“I thought you two weren’t serious.” He lets his feelings get a better of him as he speaks, and his jaw twitches as he stares at Dean, unreasonably hurt by his words. 

He doesn’t reply to Cas, hoping he’d forget about this by the time they’re done with breakfast.

“you’re seeing Anna Milton, right?” Kelly turns away from the stove, a hot pan of sizzling bacon in her hands as she strides over to the counter to put the thin slices of meat in a plate. 

“You know her?” he frowns, and she looks up at him, her lips twitching upwards. 

“Small town. Everyone knows everyone around here.” She moves to the sink and puts the hot pan on it. 

“She’s a lovely young lady, you’re lucky to have her.” She adds, her eyes now fixed on Dean again. There’s a pang of guilt tugging at him as he takes in her words. Anna is indeed lovely, and he’s once again reminded that she doesn’t deserve to be with him, that she deserves better. 

“She is.” He agrees and gives her a tight lipped smile, the guilt in his eyes as clear as day.

“Okay, enough of that.” Cas stands to his feet and circles around the dining table and over to the kitchen, approaching Kelly. “let me help you with the pancakes.” He forces a smile and looks over to Dean who’s now listening to Jack talk about his favourite animals and how he wishes they could morph and become one superior being. 

Dean is much help when it comes to spontaneous names and they eventually find one for the creature Jack thinks would make the best pet in the world. 

“y’know, I’m not surprised that Jack likes him, the man is a kid at heart.” Castiel smiles as he stares a moment longer than he should have. Dean catches his dazzling eyes, his boyish grin replaced by a smaller, affectionate one. 

“Seems like everybody loves Dean.” Kelly whispers loud enough only for Castiel to hear. 

“everyone except you.” He takes the last pancake out of the pan and stacks it with the other already cooled off ones. 

“Breakfast is finally ready!” he drops the conversation with Kelly and strides over to Dean and jack, the pancake stacked plate in both hands. Kelly joins them soon with some bacon and scrambled eggs and takes her seat beside her son.

“it smells amazing.” Dean says as he feels his tummy groan out from the hunger. 

They eat in silence and by the time the clock hits nine, they’re all done. Cas leads Dean out and walks him home, their bodies inches apart, feeling like gravity is forcing them to tread as closely together as humanly possible. 

They get to Dean’s front door and find themselves staring at each other for the millionth time today, unable to take matters into their own hands and stop, but then again, even if they were able to, they wouldn’t. 

“So—” Cas begins unsurely, swaying from side to side on his heels. “did I play my cards right?” he questions bashfully, and it takes Dean a minute to realise what he’s talking about, and when he does, he offers Castiel a licentious grin, every fibre in his body burning to feel the warmth of the man’s lips against his own. 

“You sure did.” He closes the gap between them, his fingers slowly tracing down Castiel’s right arm before he interlaces their hands together. He knows what he’s about to do is wrong, but he couldn’t care less about morals as he watches Castiel’s eyes burn with a ravenous flame. 

“I think I deserve a demonstration of that perfect greeting then.” Cas whispers, his voice hoarse, the back of his throat screaming for Dean’s touch as he feels the man’s lips ever so lightly, so fucking teasingly, brush over the side of his mouth trying to lure him into making that first big jump, which he does, the fire in his veins too painful to let him be slow and gentle. 

He rests his hands on either side of Dean’s face and closes the gap between them, capturing the man’s lips with his own, feeling as they hungrily move along with his. Neither of them can explain the feelings coursing through them as they deepen the kiss, their tongues sweeping against each other’s as the wild and raging fire in them grows stronger and more vicious. Cas moves his hands from Dean’s face to his hips and slams his back against the door, feeling the ‘oof' of Dean’s breath against his lips. He pulls away and quickly moves his mouth to the side of Dean’s mouth, over to his jaw, his chin and all the way down to his trembling throat, his lips, teeth and tongue latching around the sensitive skin, leaving trails of red behind. 

Dean moves his hands to the back of Castiel’s head and tugs onto his black hair, feeling the man release a guttural moan against his skin, the sound almost sending him over the edge with pleasure. He lets out a soft moan and pulls Castiel back up so their lips could meet again. They press their hips against each other’s and start grinding, the friction releasing a myriad of oxytocin in their bloodstream. 

They moan against each others mouths as they continue the grinding, not giving a damn if anyone in the neighbourhood can see them. Dean moves a hand down from the back of Castiel’s head, to his back, his tight ass and finally to the hardening cock pressing against his thigh, his hand cupping around it, causing Cas's hips to jerk. He pulls his lips away from Dean's and looks up at him, his eyes hungry and lustful, yet vulnerable and unsure. He wants this more than anything, but he’s not even sure what this is.

“Dean—” he chokes out and the other man takes his tone as cue to let go of him.

“What is this?” he questions quietly, forcing his body to push off Dean’s, giving them both space to breathe. “What are we?” 

“I don’t know, Cas.” Dean whispers back, his eyes too ashamed to meet Castiel’s. He wishes he had the answers because not only does Cas need them, but he himself desperately does too, the question mark between them feeling like it’s slowly eating away at him. 

“You said we should start over as friends and… this is definitely not things that just friends do to each other.” Cas paces around before Dean who’s still leaning against the mahogany door, his feet too tired to carry him on their own. “I am confused Dean, about all of this.” He adds and stops his pacing, meeting the other man’s eyes for a split of a second. 

“you’re not the only one that’s confused here, Cas. Believe me, if I had an answer, I’d give you one, but I don’t because, first of all I don’t even know what the fuck I’m feeling right now. I don’t— I haven’t felt like this for a man in nearly 20 years and the fact that it’s happening again frightens me.” He admits more than he’d like to, keeping his eyes glued on anything but the blue of Castiel’s, afraid that he might find judgement laced in them.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Dean.” Cas raises his hand and places it on Dean’s chin, lifting it so their eyes could meet. “there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He adds and Dean looks back at him, his eyes still drenched in shame. He leans into Cas’s touch, closing his eyes to forget about everything, even if it’s just for a second. Cas’s thumb gently swipes over his cheek, easing his nerves greatly.

“I need clarity, Dean, and honesty. I’m not giving you an ultimatum, but I don’t want you to string me along while you figure this out, I don’t want to get hurt.” He drops his hand from Dean’s cheek, the abrupt lack of contact almost painful.

“That’s understandable. I’m sorry for doing this, again.” Dean let’s out an apologetic sigh, his eyes illuminated with the torturous dismay provided by his soul.

“you never pressured me into doing anything, Dean. I wanted this just as much as you thought you did.” He reassures and takes another step back. “I should go home.”

“Wait" Dean pulls him back, his eyes worried. “are we fine?”

“we’re fine.” He offers Dean a smile and soon walks away with a heavy heart, the conclusion of their day spent together, unlike what he had in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys are enjoying this fic, it's been fun writing it and I hope that you all stay till the end. xx


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 

Anna arrives at Dean’s place an hour after he met with Castiel, she's wearing a crimson red lace dress that matches her hair and lips, it hugs her body tightly, the intricate detailing of the dress running down from her breasts to the bottom of her round ass, it’s edges round and smooth, clinging to her like a second layer of skin. Dean almost loses the ability to speak as he allows his eyes to lasciviously gaze at every inch of her voluptuous body. 

She steps forward and tippy toes to place a kiss against his lips, letting them linger for a while, the taste of his mouth delicious against hers. 

“You smell amazing.” She whispers against his skin as she feels his large hand rake down the curve of her back to her ass, his grip around it so tight that she lets out a yelp. 

“I taste even better.” He growls, his eyes so dark that she can almost no longer spot the innocent green in them. He grips onto her hips, vigorous and hungrily, wanting her body now and not a minute later. She doesn’t protest as she follows his lead further inside the house and over to the counter, her wine red lips moving against his, leaving trails of the cherry scented cosmetic all over his mouth. 

Dean couldn’t help but think about his fiery kiss with Castiel while he was alone, drenched, under steamy water, he tried to suppress his hunger but his body wasn’t having it, just the mere thought of the other man going down on him bringing forth a strain below his hips. His hands would unconsciously run over his erection from time to time and by the time he had to get out of the shower he was throbbing, his head slick and glistening with precum. God, he needed, to jerk off… to do anything to fucking release, but time was of the essence and Anna was already on his porch, but then again, she was exactly what he needed to get his mind off Cas. 

He bends his knees and grips the back of her thighs with both hands, hoisting her up and encouraging her to wrap her legs around his waist. She does exactly that, her gaze on him, on his eyes, his lips, his trembling Adam’s apple and the purple bruises below it—

Wait—

It takes Anna a minute to realize that she’s not the one who put them there and when the reality of it all dawns on her, all feeling evaporates from her body, leaving her numb. Dean doesn’t notice as yet as he places her on the counter, his aroused cock pressing so hard against the tightness of his slacks that it's beginning to hurt. 

She drops her hands from around his shoulders and uses them to push him off her. Dean raises a brow, unsure of whether or not they’re going to get kinky or if she just changed her mind on wanting to get fucked right now. He meets her eyes, and he notices how glistened they’ve become, the light above them illuminating the gut wrenching hurt in them. Dean’s face drops and the first thing he feels is guilt, because no matter what the issue may be, he knows it’s his fault.

“am I not enough for you, Dean?” she slams both fists against his chest and he only bounces back an inch from the impact, making her efforts feel useless. 

Her chest heaves and her nostrils flare in a rage that matches the violent red of her dress. She hops off the counter and pushes past him but before he could even think of pulling her back, she turns around on her own. 

“You’re a greedy fucking pig, Y’know that? I was so fucking ready to open myself up and give my damn heart to you, but here you are getting hickeys from other women, because you just can’t get enough, can you?” she snaps, and it seems as if her words have affected him more than the punches she’s thrown at him. 

“You’re so selfish. You don’t care if you hurt other people, as long as Dean fucking Winchester get's what he wants—” she carries on, wanting him to feel the exact same way she does— worse perhaps. 

“— you just take, take, take and keep on fucking taking. And worst of all—” she draws in a sharp breath. “—you ruin every goddamn thing you touch.” She finally feels satisfied but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt just as much.

He doesn’t speak, how could he when every single thing she said is true. 

“I think it’s best if we just… don’t see each other anymore.” She adds and walks out.

He feels awful for hurting her again and even though he wants to run after her and apologize, he doesn’t. She’s too angry and whatever the fuck they had going on is beyond saving, so he leaves it and tries not to think about her words and how close to home they hit, and how many times he’s heard similar over the years from people who could see right through the barriers and barriers of his nonchalant bravado façade, who knew that being confronted by his true self—his broken, selfish and destructive self was one of his biggest fears. Anna knew it, not that she truly knew Dean but she knew enough about people like him to know that he was ugly inside and hated being reminded of it.

He doesn’t really know what to do at this point, with the eventful day having hardly began, the disgust running through him, and his still prominent shameful boner calling below his belt, he’s not sure if he should feel bad, horny or tired— heck, he feels all three. 

He throws himself on the couch and parts his legs slightly, his knees propped up and facing the ceiling. He shoves away every moral itch in his body as he lets his back slide down against the couch, finding a comfortable position before letting his right hand run over his abdomen and over to the bulging of his pants. He feels bad for wanting pleasure right now, but then again he’s a damn rotten soul, so why the fuck not? Why not just accept the damn truth and indulge in his mess?

He draws in a sharp breath when his hand cups around his hardened dick that’s strained against his pants, the feeling not enough but still satisfying. He closes his eyes and non other than Castiel appears before him, bent on his knees, looking up at him with dark and lustful eyes as his hands run up Dean's thighs, slowly making their way to his belt to loosen it and set his poor throbbing cock free. 

♧♧♧

Castiel finds himself at the bar Mick works at after his long day with his family, the clock on the wall telling him that the man’s shift is almost over, just another fucking thirty-five minutes til it hits twelve. He doesn’t even know why he’s here in the first place because at this point his body is fighting to stay awake. He could be asleep right now, recharging but lord knows that the sensation below his belt has become too damn strong to ignore. So, tired body or not, he intends on getting laid good, and unfortunately Mick, who seems to be so focused on his work to even pay attention to him, is the only person he knows that can get him what he wants right now, sure he can give Dean a try but what they have is so complicated that if they bring sex into it, their whole relationship might just end up a bloody smear on the wall.

He’s beyond agitated as he sits alone by the bar, his mind counting down each and every second until he gets to ravage Mick like the hungry lion he is. But, God, if time could fucking fly by any faster. 

His body jerks, the buzzing in his jeans bringing him back to reality. It’s his phone and he takes it out before it rings again. Dean’s name is etched across the screen and there’s something in Castiel’s belly that does multiple flips, convincing him that it’s what people call ‘butterflies’.

Fuck, he feels like a teenage girl, getting butterflies and whatnot. 

“Hello, Dean.” He greets but not before he cleared his throat and made sure he doesn’t sound like a parched animal. 

Dean smiles, and from where he’s standing he sees Castiel seated by the bar, his shoulders leaning forward like they always do, and that beautiful soft lopsided grin pulled across his face. He hasn’t been at the bar long but he suspects that the minute Castiel walked in was when he was in the men’s room because before he left to relieve himself the blue eyed man was nowhere to be seen.

“Has anyone ever told you what a beautiful side profile you have?” Dean speaks, the fondness he has for Castiel swelling up his heart as he leans against a wall while still watching the man from a safe distance. 

“What?” Castiel blushes, unable to form a sentence. His cheeks are tainted with a deep red as his eyes dart around the room to find Dean. 

“You’re looking in all the wrong places, Cas.” Dean speaks, an amused smile on his face as he watches Cas struggle to spot him. 

“three o’clock, but look carefully or you’ll miss me.” He guides and watches Castiel turn his head in his direction, soon finding his green eyes hidden behind a couple of drunken strangers. The room is dim lit and packed so it makes sense that Cas couldn’t spot him the first time he tried. 

“How stalker-y of you, is this how you woo'd all your past lovers?” Castiel offers him a smile, one draped in such admiration and fondness that Dean’s belly makes a hundred flips at once.

“only you.” He burns to go over there, to just take Castiel in his arms and kiss him like he hasn’t been touched in forever, but he stays put, fighting every damn urge begging him to do it.

“is that supposed to make me feel special?” Cas plays with his hands, his index finger gently circling around the whiskey glass, almost as if he’s caressing the object. 

“I’ve got much better ways to make you feel special, Castiel.” Dean whispers in the receiver, loud enough to make sure Castiel picks up on every single word.

“Why don’t you come over here so we can get out of this place, yeah?” He adds and Cas almost feels bad for mentally dropping Mick without even a second thought. He cuts the call and makes his way over to Dean, his saunter on the border of suave, and a damn nervous wreck. 

They can’t kiss, not in the middle of a damn crowd at least, so they pull each other in for a brief hug, one that makes them look like two buddies having a bro moment. Castiel hates hiding, it irks every fucking nerve in his body but there’s also no way that he’d just outright kiss Dean and put him in such an awkward position, given the big question mark floating around the status of their relationship, and Dean’s sexuality. 

“let’s get out of here.” Dean speaks, his words only but a whisper against Castiel’s ear, the vibration sending what feels like an undiscovered wave of feelings and emotions coursing through his body. 

He doesn’t speak but merely goes along with Dean, letting him lead the way out and over to his car. It’s a good thing Castiel came with a cab because he doesn’t think he’d have had the willpower to put a five feet gap between Dean and himself right now. 

“We’re going to talk, right?” Castiel questions as soon as they get to Dean’s car. He needs all of the complicated shit out of the way all at once because spending another damn minute unable to even reassure himself of his position in Dean’s life, feels like torture. He just desperately needs something to grasp on.

Are they friends? Are they two people trying to explore the massive ball of sexual tension and unexplained feelings between them? or are they just neighbours that had awkward encounters together? He doesn’t know and he hates the fact that he put it all on Dean’s hands, that whatever Dean decides he’ll accept it, even if it hurt every damn bone in his body. 

“Yeah, of course.” Dean grabs Castiel’s hand and tries to shoo away the uncertainty and insecurity laced in his eyes. It works, but only briefly, because after what they’ve done, actions really doesn’t mean much when it comes to trying to get a point across. Castiel needs words, something Dean has never known how to use when coming to his feelings. 

They end up at Dean’s place and decide that the night is perfect for watching the stars, so they saunter over to the back, the sky above Dean’s backyard looking like a portrait Cas wishes he could paint. The infinite stars dotted across a canvas of indigo sky, ethereal and mesmerizing. 

“You must know that I’m not good with words.” Dean begins, easing into the topic as he takes a seat beside Castiel, the drunkenness he felt earlier evaporated into thin air, replaced by his anxiety. 

“You don’t have to strain yourself for me. Just talk to me like you always do.” Castiel encourages and Dean feels like a kid, trying to ride his bike without the training wheels for the first time. 

‘One foot in front of the other, Dean—’ Bobby instructs him, his hand on Dean's back and one on the handle bar, keeping it steady for him. He’s never ridden a bike before, until a month ago on his 10th birthday, until his uncle Bobby thought it was time he learned how to, and today he wanted to learn without the training wheels halting his growth. He needed to do it and prove to himself that he can do whatever the hell he sets his mind to.

‘Take your time, there’s no pressure. One foot in front of the other.’

A smile pulls onto his face when he remembers that moment, and even though the situation with Castiel vastly differs from that of a ten year old Dean riding a bike, he feels that the advice Bobby had given him so many years ago for something so simple had been such a pivotal piece of encouraging information he couldn’t have survived certain things without— like this very moment, for instance. Yeah, they’re simple words but what matters to him is that it was given from the heart, like a father having benign heart to heart moment with his son, something Dean never had with John. 

‘One foot in front of the other—’ he repeats the words a few times before finally getting the courage to start.

“first of all, me and Anna, we’re done.” He says, not getting into what happened, there’s always tomorrow for that. Castiel doesn’t question it, not out loud at least, but his head is buzzing with questions on what could’ve happened and who was the one to break it off, he feels like he shouldn’t let it slide but he does because, after all, that’s not what he wants from Dean right now.

“Okay, so, um. I know I’ve been confusing you for the past month or so, and I’m really sorry about that. It wasn’t my intention. I was confused myself, not really about my sexuality, but what I was feeling for you.” He begins. “I still am confused if I gotta be honest because all of this, it’s new to me and the hell if I know what it’s all supposed to mean.” He adds. 

“But even in my dazed state, I need you to know that what I feel isn’t because I just want to fuck you—” he draws in a sharp breath. There’s no fucking way he can say the next words sitting on his tongue, there’s no way he would let himself become so damn vulnerable…there’s just no way.

The words linger on his tongue, burning to come out, and by the looks of it Castiel needs to hear them. He needs to be assured because what Dean had given him is a fucking grain of salt taken from the depths of the ocean. 

He draws in a sharp breath and tries to calm his nerves, and that goddamn voice in his head that’s yelling out every single fear he has, telling him that love and relationships aren’t for him, that he’d always just end up alone and broken.

“—there’s something more, something unexplainable but undeniable, and I just hope that we could figure it out together.” The words come out feeling like they weigh a tonne, leaving him light and weightless. Castiel smiles, his heart slamming so hard against his chest that he's almost certain that Dean can hear it.

Dean appreciates the smile on Castiel’s face and the soft and sentimental kiss he places against his lips, but there’s still that voice in his head, telling him that it’s not gonna last, that this is too good for Dean, that he doesn’t deserve it, and that soon enough his diseased soul will corrupt Castiel’s and doom him to an eternity of flaming red pain and suffering. 

They stay seated outside for a few minutes, Castiel’s head on Dean’s shoulder and Dean’s arm around his waist, his fingers under the other man’s shirt, delicately caressing his soft skin. They don’t speak for a while as Dean tries to aimlessly count the stars while Cas tries the same with the freckles dotted across Dean's face and neck, the tan spots seeming as infinite as the sparkling celestial jewels above them. 

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” Castiel breaks the silence, his eyes still fixed on Dean rather than the stars. “you’re what people write poems about, Dean Winchester.” He carries on and Dean feels a flush of colour pool his cheeks, the words coming from Castiel’s mouth, something he never thought he’d have the privilege of hearing.

“you’re so—” Cas cuts his own words short as he places a kiss on Dean’s lips, letting his mouth linger for as long as they can, because they fucking can. 

“How long have you burned to tell me that?” Dean’s eyes are glued on Castiel’s and there’s a tinge of warmth and tenderness laced behind his lustful gaze. 

“too damn long.” Cas shimmies out of Dean’s grip and moves to sit on the man’s lap, his knees pressed down on either side of Dean’s thighs, finding their comfort in the softness of the sofa. He’s not as young as he used to be, and, hell, doing this ain’t as easy as it used to be but he’s not letting the day pass without him making out with Dean in this goddamn sexy position. 

Dean places his hands on Castiel’s hips and slowly moves them down to his firm ass, gripping it so tightly that it erupts a breathy moan from Castiel’s mouth. He loves the sound so he does it again and gives his ass a little slap before letting his desperate lips find Castiel's 

The kiss is calm and gentle but still passionate, a slow and beautiful fire brewing in between them. Their lips move together in such perfect sync that you’d swear they’ve been doing this for ages, their tongues already familiar with where to go and what exactly to do to please the other. 

Dean’s hands are under Castiel’s shirt, gripping and scratching his skin as he feels Cas roll his hips and grind against his hardening crotch. He leaves a trail of red down Cas's back as he continues, the tiny tinge of pain in the pleasure bringing forth an incomprehensible feeling in Cas's gut. 

They pull away for a brief moment to get lost in each other’s eyes, and even though they both desperately want nothing more than to tear each other’s clothes off, it’s just too soon.

“I don’t want to move too fast Cas. I really want this to work out.” Dean’s voice comes out hoarse. 

“me too, but I really, really just want to make out with you right now.” Cas finds Dean’s mouth again and kisses him like he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll never get the chance to do it again. There’s still uncertainty floating around in him so he wants to indulge as much as he can in case Dean changes his mind the next day.

“Cas, we have all the time in the world for that.” He reassures the man and tries to supress his moans as he feels Cas move on his lap once more, his boner starting to get too damn hard to ignore. 

“I really hope so.” He breathes as his lips hover over Dean’s, feeling his warm breath brush against him. 

“You have nothing to worry about.” Dean speaks as his hands move up and down Cas's back, appreciating the warmth and softness of his skin. He moves his hands down to Cas's ass and then grips them around his thighs, encouraging them to keep on moving. 

“Okay, I trust you.” Cas speaks and leaves a trail of kisses on Dean’s neck before they find his mouth again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I've been too busy this past week to update sooner but i hope you guys enjoy this chapter x


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 

February 28th. Dean and Castiel have been taking things slow, both of them carefully trying to figure out what their relationship is and what it could turn into in the future. It feels frightening to think about let alone talk about with each other, each time they do one of them always finds a way to deflect from it, it’s almost always Dean, and even though Cas doesn’t mind that he’s still as confused as he was two weeks ago, it doesn’t stop him from fearing that Dean might run and leave him in the dark. 

It’s two in the afternoon and they haven’t seen each other since last night. Cas is spending his day with Jack, going from one destination to the other, and Dean is with Sam who came over yesterday to pay him a little visit. Eileen’s still in California, two months pregnant (surprise!) and she’s already biting Sam’s head off over everything, I mean, she didn’t really expect to walk down the aisle with a bun in the oven so she’s stressed and Sam is the only one she finds appropriate to put the blame on— he did plant the seed after all. Sam, honestly doesn’t mind it because it only happens every other day but he sure as hell wasn’t thinking twice about flying all the way over to Kansas for a conference meeting— and checking up on his brother. 

Dean turns his attention away from the fishing line and hook buried into the still blue water, searching for its sixth prey. He looks at his brother who’s seated beside him in his own camping chair, his brows furrowed deep in concentration as he manoeuvres the gadget in his hands, trying to catch at least one more fish. There’s a sense of warmth pooling Dean’s heart, his eyes visibly showing how much he’s missed his brother. 

“remember when I took you fishing the first time?” he begins to reminisce and Sam lifts his head, his eyes now focused on Dean. “You were 9 and so fucking tiny, and now look at you, you’re getting married in a few months and you’re gonna have a baby.” He smiles, it’s genuine and proud.

“Feel like a proud dad.” He adds and looks back to the serene scenery before them.

“It sounds all fairy tales on paper, but… I feel like Eileen's having second thoughts, I mean, I get that she’s pregnant and hormonal or whatever, but she hardly ever talks to me, and when she does, she’s pissed or agitated.” The younger Winchester voices his fears and Dean’s smile drops, catching Sam’s eyes again.

“I’m scared, Dean. I don’t want to lose her.” He swipes a hand over his face, trying to hold onto his sanity.

“Come on, man. That’s Eileen you’re talking about, the woman who risked her life so many times for your ass.” Dean says and Sam still doesn’t feel convinced. “She knows what she wants, she never falters, if she didn’t want this she’d tell you straight to your face, even if it’d hurt.” He adds and… he’s right, but even if he is, Sam still can’t help but feel powerless. 

“I guess so. How’s it going with you though? Are you and Anna still together?” he changes the subject and tries to focus more on Dean who’s current life he knows nothing about, except for the girl he mentioned to be seeing a few weeks ago. 

“Didn’t work out.” He shrugs nonchalantly, and for a split of a second he contemplates on telling him about Cas, but the fear seeps in before he could even try. He’s not even sure if Sam knows that he’s bisexual because for all he knows he’s been very careful at keeping it a secret.

“did you find someone else?” Sam questions as he hands Dean a beer, curious on who he’s been having such long intimate talks with last night. He seemed happy, and Sam is burning to know who the person is. 

“Come on, don’t make me drag this out of you, I know you have someone. I heard you speak with them last night.” He adds, incapable of keeping his curiosity at bay. Dean rolls his eyes nonchalantly but there’s something inside of him that screams in a feral panic. 

“It was Cas, and we’re obviously just friends. We were just talking about driving out to Missouri next weekend.” He says with a shrug, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. 

“You two seem very close.” Sam says. “and just a month ago you called him a pompous dick.” He smiles, amused at how their tables have turned. He doesn’t really know much about this Castiel character but he can tell that the “friendship" or whatever the hell he has going on with Dean really makes him happy. 

Dean stifles a laugh thinking about how he went from disliking Cas and how he thought he was nothing but a stuck-up prick, to falling so damn hard and fast for him, to looking into his eyes and finding nothing but gentle, understanding and unconditional love for the things and people he cares about. He’s honestly awestruck by Castiel and every day he wonders what he did to have him in his life because lord knows that he doesn’t deserve him at all. 

He lets his smile drop when he feels Sam’s eyes on him, questioning what he’s seeing. His cheeks glow with a soft red and Sam notices that as well. 

“So, what changed?” he questions, now even more curious than before.

Dean swallows, he doesn’t mean to, but he makes it undeniably obvious that there’s something more than friendship between him and his neighbour. 

“I got to know him a little better. He’s an angel, foul mouthed and all.” Dean suppresses a smile and a plethora of words about how he feels about that man. 

Sam takes in Dean’s words, and his suspicion grows even more. He wishes Dean could just outright say it but he doesn’t make any effort to force him to talk about Castiel any more than he wants to. He understands that it must be difficult to share information like that, even to his closest kin, so he lets it go.

They end up at Dean’s place soon after that and by the time they’re done preparing lunch, Castiel shows up with Jack. He looks exhausted and Dean makes a mental note to give him a back massage later. 

They both can’t hide the warm smiles pulled on their faces when their eyes meet and for a split of a second, they almost forget that they’re not the only one’s in the room. 

“Hey, pal.” The latter tastes foreign and sour on Dean’s tongue, but he needs to be discreet so he’ll use that term as much as he fucking can to keep people from looking in. Castiel hates it just as much but he’ll accept it for as long as it takes. 

“Hello, Dean.” He offers his lover a smile and forces his eyes to divert to Sam who’s standing not too far from Dean. He gives him a firm shake and a warm smile and introduces his son who already found comfort in Dean’s arms. 

“he seems to like Dean more than me these past few days.” Castiel smiles and Sam just finds it all so surreal as he watches the kid move to latch himself around Dean’s back to get the piggyback ride he was promised. 

Dean obviously surrenders and paces with him around the house, the noise coming from his mouth like that of a racing car. Jack convulses in bubbly laughter as he soars around the house on Dean’s back. Sam has never seen Dean so laid back and care free before, it just warms his heart because there's no one in this world who deserves a happy life more than his older brother. 

“I can’t imagine why.” Sam lets out a laugh as he watches the scene unfold before him.

“Sarcasm. You’re definitely Dean’s brother.” Cas points out as he heads to the kitchen to retrieve a six pack from the fridge. Sam follows behind him and takes a seat by the counter.

Cas doesn’t know much about him but from what he’s heard and from the little he’s seen, he can tell that Sam's great, and his heart is already warming up to him. 

“It can get quite annoying, right?” He speaks and Cas slides out a cold beer across the counter that Sam catches with ease.

“You have no idea.” He watches Dean slow down, his body already tired from carrying Jack around. Their eyes meet for what feels like a damn millisecond and when they both divert their gazes, their hearts cry out in pain. 

“He’s amazing though.” Cas hears himself say and his heart almost stops. “—difficult, stubborn, a jackass at times but, y'know, he’s still amazing.” He continues, feeling like it’s too late to turn back now, he just wishes Sam doesn’t take it in any other way than a guy admiring his friend. 

Dean walks up to them, exhausted and he completely forgets that standing behind Castiel and whispering into his ear isn’t normal best friend behaviour. Sam pretends not to see, I mean, what would he even say?

Jack being there lightens the mood a lot and for a little while they all just focus on what an energetic and adorable kid he is, instead of the awkwardness floating around them.

♧♧♧

They’re seated around the dining table, about to eat when the doorbell rings. Fuck. He completely forgot. 

“Cas.” Dean says his name with a whisper, his tone slightly apprehensive. “I invited Benny over.” He adds awkwardly and Castiel can’t even pretend not to be upset. He doesn’t say anything as he tears his gaze away from Dean’s to rather focus on the pretty detailing of the linen table cloth, trying his best to distract himself.

‘Okay, so they’re dating.’ Sam thinks to himself as he silently watches the scene unfold before him. 

Dean gets up to get the door and when he finally gets there he finds Benny behind it, his lips quirked up into a smile. He greets Dean and pulls him in for a quick hug, and if looks could kill then Benny would be six feet under because the glare Cas gives him is so deadly that Dean’s not sure how his colleague could survive it.

‘Not in front of Sam. Please Cas!’ His eyes practically begs the man and crazily enough Cas understands the plea and tries to behave.

“Castiel, I didn’t know you’d be here.” Benny says as he approaches the table and Sam almost chokes on his beer, the way Cas’s face contorts with such rage, almost comical. 

“yeah, well here I am.” He throws a challenging look at the man and Dean interferes before things end up in smoke. So much for trying to behave.

The first five minutes into lunch is awkward and tense, and Castiel just couldn’t seem to enjoy the fish that Dean caught and prepared himself. He knew he was being overly dramatic but Dean knew how he felt about that man, and after all, he was promised to spend the day with only his son, Dean and Sam. He felt more upset that Dean changed his mind last minute and never even bothered to consult him than he did with Benny actually being there. He feels like Dean’s slowly pulling back and having seconds thoughts about them.

Jack had fallen asleep after a few hours and Benny made an excuse to leave early, the tension still too much for his liking. 

“You didn’t have to be such a damn bitch, Cas.” Dean angrily scrapes the leftovers in the trashcan beside the counter, his movements paced and vigorous. 

Sam went up to the spare room to video chat with Eileen for a bit—and to give his brother some space— and turns out not having him around gave her time and freedom to reflect on how she’s been treating him lately, and God if she could kiss him and just show him how truly sorry she is, she would. They’ve been talking for quite some time that Dean and Cas had almost forgotten that he was still in the same house. 

“What the fuck was I supposed to do? I was so looking forward to this day just being us, but you got scared and changed your mind without even letting me know.” He snaps back and Dean lets out a frustrated grunt. 

“And you know how I feel about Benny. If you wanted a damn filter, you could’ve gotten someone else to play the part.” He adds, the gruff in his voice so deep that Dean almost forgets how to function. 

“Look, I didn’t mean for this to happen, but I just wanted to be careful, I don’t want Sammy finding out about this.” Dean says softly as he abandons the dishes to wrap his arms around Castiel’s waist, his head resting on the man’s shoulder as he stands behind him. 

Dean’s breath is warm against his skin and Castiel almost feels compelled to set Dean down on the counter and fuck him until he’s satisfied. 

“are you mad at me?” Dean whispers against his ear and places soft kisses on his skin while his hands find their way up Cas's shirt. 

“no.” Cas breathes, the feeling of Dean finally touching him, relieving. “but…” He breaks out of his grip and turns around to face him. He’d love nothing more than to fool around right now, but he just can’t shake off the insecure feelings hovering over him. 

Dean lets out an exhausted sigh as he faces Cas. 

“I’m scared, Dean.” His words come out with a tremble and he just hates himself for falling so undeniably and uncontrollably hard for Dean that even the thought of them parting now hurts the deepest parts of his soul. He feels pathetic for it, for allowing himself to let his guard down like that.

Dean’s confused but he’s worried, not knowing what Cas is getting at. He feels afraid too, that the man before him had decided that being with him is too much and too draining. He draws in a sharp breath and tries to push his fears down, but they push back up, harder. He feels as though his legs can no longer carry him so he stands beside Cas and leans on the counter for some support.

“What are you afraid of?” he finally manages to ask, and the way Castiel tears his gaze away from him makes him even more nervous. 

“I’m afraid that at the end of all of this, you’d walk out on me.” He admits and Dean wants to grip onto both of his shoulders and yell at him for ever thinking something so preposterous. 

“I feel like you’ve made up your mind but you just don’t know it yet, not really.” Cas adds and still finds it hard to look at Dean, the last thing he needs is the confirmation in Dean’s eyes. 

“Why the hell would you think that, Cas?” Dean’s voice betrays him as it comes out soft and trembling. He clears his throat and stares at Cas, knowing that sooner or later, he’d find it hard not to look back at him. 

“you have nothing to be afraid of, because I’m not leaving. I wouldn’t dream of it.” Dean adds and rests a hand on top of Castiel's that’s gripped around the edges of the counter. His hand stiffens, but relaxes just as fast, Dean’s touch, calming and soothing. 

“I want to be with you, Cas.” He says, their eyes finally glued to each other’s. 

“But, how do you know you want this when you haven’t even figured out your feelings yet?” Cas finds himself asking more questions, his insecurities irking him until he feels disgusted with himself. Dean tightens his grip around Cas's hand and allows his thumb to rub circles onto it. 

“Because I just do, and I’m asking for you to have faith in me…to trust that I won’t ever lie to you about this.” Dean says, his brows still knit together in worry. 

“okay, I trust you.” Cas says honestly, and there’s a ghost of a smile written on his face as he speaks.

He takes his weight off the counter and moves to stand in front of Dean to place a kiss against his lips. They have been burning to do this all day. 

Cas deepens the kiss almost as if he’s still afraid that Dean might leave. It’s desperate and hungry, and there’s just something so magical in the way their lips capture each other’s, and the way their tongues move together in such perfect tandem while their hands intertwine, their bodies pressed together, fighting every last urge to get closer and feel more—

But, their fiery kiss soon gets interrupted by Sam walking in and even though he saw them making out, he pretends that he didn’t, giving them enough time to move away from each other and pretend as if they were just finishing up with the dishes while having a normal conversation. 

“hey‐hi!” They speak simultaneously and there’s an awkward silence between that and Sam speaking. 

“How's, uh, how’s Eileen?” Dean questions and steps even further away from Cas. 

“she’s good. I’m flying back home tomorrow at noon.” He says and doesn’t miss the sad look on his brother’s face.

“Maybe you two should come visit us some time. Just say when and I’ll fix up the guest room for you.” He smiles and both Dean and Cas frowns at his words. 

“You mean guest rooms.” Dean raises a brow, and his hand itches to slap his brother across the head.

“I only have one.” He shrugs his shoulders innocently, his eyes glinting in the process, making him look like a kid for just a split of a second. 

“Come on, let’s watch a movie. A western if you want?” he changes the topic and Cas declines the latter suggestion, sick and tired of watching westerns. 

“please, if I watch another cowboy movie, I might just fucking fling myself into the damn sun.” he groans and Dean pouts at him. 

“how about good ol' romance… Anna Karenina perhaps.” He adds and Dean rolls his eyes.

“Already read the book, move on—” he treads to the living room and Sam follows behind with Cas. 

“how about The Aviator? Or Wilde... ooh or that, uh, that Sherlock movie.” Cas keeps on suggesting and Dean groans, pretending not to find the man’s excitement, utterly adorable. 

“Just tell me if you want some alone time with Jude, I wouldn’t mind, Cas.” He rolls his eyes once more, and Sam can’t help but laugh. 

“Dean, just let the man watch his Jude Law films.” Sam speaks and Cas offers him a wide boyish grin. 

♧♧♧

They end up watching Wilde and about an hour into the movie Sam bids them goodnight, his eyes too tired to stay awake. Dean and Cas waste no time as their desperate lips find each other the minute he disappears, the kiss heated and passionate, the both of them burning to rid themselves of the strain below their hips.

“Cas—” Dean breathes after Castiel’s mouth moves to his throat, leaving trails of red while his right hand cups Dean’s crotch, moving his hand up and down, creating some much longed for friction. 

“—I need more.” His words come out as a plea, his eyes shut and his hips thrust forward as his right hand tugs onto Castiel’s hair urging him to suck harder onto his skin, the sensation coursing through his body, inconceivably pleasurable. 

Cas lifts his head and looks up at a softly panting Dean. Seeing what an immense effect he has on the man arouses him and the feels compelled to watch him come undone as his hand fists around the hardening cock in his pants.

“Cas, please.” Dean pleas and Castiel places a soft kiss against his lips before parting his legs and kneeling down before him, the view like nothing Castiel has ever seen, it looks holy and so does Dean as he looks down at his lover, his god-like eyes darkening with lust at the sight before him.

“I’ve been dying to do this.” Castiel whispers, his voice deep and rough, sending sparks through Dean’s body. They haven’t done anything beyond making out in the past two weeks and even though they were both craving for something more, taking things slow is something new to the both of them and the fact that they can be around each other without needing sex or anything overtly sexual to fill in the blanks makes them both feel great, like there’s more to what they have than what their bodies can offer. 

“Me too.” Dean breathes and sucks in a breath when Castiel finds his fingers around his belt, loosening it and then unzipping his jeans. Dean lifts his hips and assists Castiel with pulling down his pants and underwear. 

He sits back down and Castiel’s eyes falls onto Dean’s already hard cock, the length and size of it, expected but still baffling. Cas swallows down on his spit and feels as his heart slams against his ribcage, so damn hard that it’s starting to hurt. 

Cas takes the shaft in his hands and slowly kisses up Dean’s thighs, leaving wet trails against the man’s trembling skin. His mouth ends up latched around Dean’s balls and he can hear the loud hiss Dean lets out while he massages the sensitive skin with his tongue. He starts sucking onto Dean’s balls as the hand around his dick moves up and down to the same rhythm. It feels amazing and even though Dean has gotten his balls sucked many times before, there’s just something about all of this that feels incredibly different. 

Cas stops and looks up to appreciate the view, Dean’s screwed eyes, parted lips and flushed freckle dotted skin looks so beautiful that he almost forgets to go back to pleasing him. He lowers his gaze once more and instead of putting his focus back on Dean’s balls, he moves to his aching dick, dragging his wet tongue up its length and around its head, teasing him slowly before he finally wraps his warm mouth around the head, and then finally taking it all in.

Dean lets out a loud moan, forgetting that they’re not the only ones in the house. He promises to keep his voice down as Cas glowers at him before he slowly and so fucking perfectly bops his head again, going so far down on Dean that he feels his cock reach the back of the other man's throat. 

“God, Cas—” he doesn’t even know what to say as he moans out, his trembling fingers gripping tightly around Castiel's soft hair, erupting a muffled groan from the man’s lips. The vibrations of his grunts causing Dean’s cock to twitch. 

Castiel soon picks up his pace and wraps his mouth tightly around Dean’s dick while his right hand wraps around his own that’s desperately begging for attention. His movements have gotten fast and wild and Dean almost loses himself in the pleasure as he feels the man graze his teeth over his throbbing dick before taking it back in, continuously forcing it down to the back of his throat until he gags. His fingers are buried deep into Dean’s thighs as he continues to deep throat the man, feeling his legs begin to uncontrollably shiver.

Dean writhes and trembles with so much pleasure as he feels himself release into Castiel’s mouth. Holy fucking crap.

“Jesus, Cas.” He heaves, his throat hoarse as he looks down at Castiel who’s now seductively swiping off the leaked jiz from the side of his mouth only to lick and suck it off his fingers like it’s the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted. 

“Fuck, c’mere.” Dean doesn’t wait for him to reply as he pulls Cas onto his lap to kiss him. He can taste his own cum in Castiel’s mouth as their lips move together and, god, does it make Dean feel things. 

“Thank you for that, sweetheart.” Dean whispers softly after pulling away, his chest still heaving. They look into each other’s eyes and see nothing but absolute beauty.

“You’re welcome, babe.” Castiel smiles and plants a soft kiss against Dean’s mouth. 

“it’s getting late. I should go.” He adds and Dean almost protests, wanting him to spend the night, but he stays silent, not wanting to confuse Sam and Jack the next day


End file.
